Fearless

 

FEARLESS is not the absence of fear. It's not being completely unafraid.

To me, FEARLESS is having fears. FEARLESS is having doubts. To me, FEARLESS is living in spite of those things that scare you to death.

FEARLESS is falling madly in love again, even though you've been hurt before. FEARLESS is walking into your freshman year of high school at fifteen. FEARLESS is getting up and fighting for what you want over and over again... even though every time you tried before, you've lost.

It's FEARLESS to have faith that someday things will change. FEARLESS is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can't breathe without them. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they'll never stop doing, it's FEARLESS to stop believing them.

Loving someone despite what people think is FEARLESS. Allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is FEARLESS. Letting go is FEARLESS. Then, moving on and being alright... that's FEARLESS too.

But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after. That's why I write these songs. Because I think love is FEARLESS.

-Taylor Swift

A word's just a word

...until you mean what you say.

Since I have ample amount of time on my hands and nothing substantial to do with it, the reality that I'd be leaving in a week's time is what I'm slowly coming to terms with - or rather, forcing myself to come to terms with.

When I was a child, the younger Kristen would anticipate and count down the days to a yearly camp - Children's Camp. I would feel like I suddenly had a pair of wings to fly around and taste freedom as I'd be away from my parents and home sweet home - in simple words, I got to be with my friends for a whole week. A week, that is what I'm used to. But now, I'd be away for three months - give and take, two months. And that's what scares me. I'd be leaving everything behind - my family and friends, Nanny, my comfy bed, my wardrobe....everything - and this is when it comes down to the hardest part; saying goodbye.

My fingers race across the keyboard as I type this and I can't help but notice that words are popping up in the back of my mind, queuing up for the chance to be typed and explained.

At the tip of my tongue, sits the word Goodbye. Since the day I walked out of school - after the Economics paper - I kissed goodbye to all the square-minded teachers (excluding a few) who were always against everything I did, whatever I wore and even what I brought to the table. I kissed goodbye to waking up as early as 6 a.m to prepare for school. To sum it all up, I kissed goodbye to high school and all the fragments of memory that came along with it.

That very same day, Change meant something too. It meant turning over a new leaf to the phase of my life after high school. When I'd opt to have eyes of a child, wide-open and washed in wonder, anticipating for what lies ahead.

Now, Love means appreciating the people around me, who have been here with me through it all - thick and thin, good and bad, for better or for worse. Love, now, also means putting my loved ones first and spending time in their company before it is too late.

A few days ago, the Past meant making peace with what has happened and taking them as life experiences instead of regretting having done them for the rest of my life.

And from now till forever, Friends would always mean a wonderful thing. When it's good to have someone around to share secrets with, to comfort you on your worst days and to just be there even when there's no need to say anything. 

Someone I know once wrote:

 It's funny how the same word can carry so many different meanings. How it can spell pain and despair - or joy and hope and magic. How it can induce dread or anticipation.

It's all in the context.

It really is all in the context.  

Just believe

"And so they lived happily ever after..." was the ending to most of the stories I would read when I was little. It is bulls-eye to say that my mind (and my heart) was flooded by the strong current of lies that so frequently made it's way to the shores of my realistic mind.

I grew up to believe that it was possible for a street-rat to have a chance at love with a King's daughter; that a servant was lucky enough to have her glass shoe found by a prince; that a true love's kiss can wake you up from an endless sleep; that by surrendering something precious, you could choose between having legs or fins; and that beauty can kill.

And I wished, hoped and pondered on all the 'if's and 'maybe's... just like any other innocent little girl would. I wished to have similar 'Happy Endings', without the climax of almost having to lose him. I hoped to never, even for a second, feel what those characters have when they had to risk it all for the sake of finding true love. I wondered about 'what if's' and 'maybe's' in hopes that I'd have my own love story - that is only my own - to share with generations and generations to come. The kind of story with intense, heart-rending emotions that would send chills down spines and give the readers visible goosebumps - the kind of story that would never be forgotten or taken for granted.

I've never really given Fairytales much thought even though I grew up watching every single Disney Princess movie, reading novels and books with 'Happy Endings' and collecting merchandises of my favourite Disney Princess. I was, I realize now, in over my head. But what was even more eye-opening was when I realized that in every fairy-tale like movie, there was a moral to the story; every girl took a risk. They dived into that deep sea full of heart-ache and disappointment and took a risk at love, took a risk in the name of love. I guess it's true what they say about love making you do the unthinkable...

I know it's not that easy to do what those characters did in the movies, but wouldn't it be better to take that risk and have a chance at finding love rather than building up brick walls around your heart that would only eliminate every possible candidate? 

Think about it.

We’ve got to know that these people, the people we are blocking out because of our own insecurities, will leave someday too. Leave for something better. Everyone will cause you pain and hurt and tears, but you have to decide who’s worth it. And when you make that decision, happiness will come to you.

I had a very heart-rending and tear-jerking night yesterday while watching Letters To Juliet. Simply because in some way, Sophie reminded me of myself - how she'd try to look beyond the cracks of her relationship with Victor and cling on to whatever is left, how she'd engage herself on a journey to help someone else find their true love, and keeping her feelings for Charlie hidden until she was certain that it was okay for her to unleash it.

  

But I think, overall, this letter just shattered my tempered heart and made it whole again.

Dear Claire,

'What' and 'If' are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: 'What if?' 'What if?' 'What if?'....

I don't know how your story ended but if what you felt then was true love, then it's never too late. If it was true then, why wouldn't it be true now? You need only the courage to follow your heart.

I don't know what a love like Juliet's feels like - love to leave loved ones for, love to cross oceans for but I'd like to believe if I ever were to feel it, that I will have the courage to seize it. And, Claire, if you didn't, I hope one day that you will.

All my love, Juliet

Oh, how love lures you into the cobwebs of feelings and leaves you feeling hopeless and broken beyond despair...

But come what may the various feelings tied to love, I wish I too, would have the courage to seize it when the time comes.

She's hope.

As I was about to close my eyes to treat myself to an afternoon nap, my cellphone buzzed alive. I frowned in annoyance as by the awakening tone, I was indubious that there won't be any chance for me to get the rest I am constantly deprived of. I checked the caller's ID and my eyes grew wide. It read trouble as it was Marcus, once again. This time, I really wish I had turned off my cellphone and chucked it somewhere it can never be found. He has been calling and texting all day to apologize but as my heart has yet to recover from it being scathed, he is going to have to be patient for my reply.

A few months ago, I was on top of the world. My grades have been exceptionally impressive and my reputation as the president of the Musical Club was sustaining. On top of that, the audition I did for a William Shakespere's play last summer had been nailed. I have gotten everything I've set my mind to and so much more.

My life's journey was at it's peak when happiness, love and success resided around me but over one tiny wrong turn I made, I am where I am today.  That mistake was throwing all the success that was in the palm of my hands for some idiot I thought I loved back then. Of course, at that time, he didn't seem like an idiot but a god-send. I still remember with undimmed clarity how he lured me into the tangled cobwebs of his life with his sweet chivalry and flamboyant charm. He was the true definition of perfect, through my eyes. Back then, when he sent me floating on cloud 9, he promised to never leave; he promised to marry me when I was done with school; he promised me not a big white bungalow but a home just enough for the both of us. But as all fairy tales have an ending, the night when he packed his things and walked away was mine to live with. There was a long list of other promises he never kept but at that time, I chose to be ignorant.

A few days passed but as I live in a small town where gossip spreads like wild fire, I've had people come up to me and question me about his sudden disappearance. I'd like nothing more then to satisfy their thirst for the latest gossip but all they received was utter silence. Cause' the thing is, I'm afraid. I'm afraid I'll break down each time I mention or hear his name; I'm afraid that I'll never be at peace with this part of my life's history. So, I left them with nothing to gossip about nor a topic to talk over during tea-time.

Later on that night, after burring myself in a pool of tears and pondering upon all that I've lost, I managed to make peace with that hallow phase in my life. I picked myself up and told myself that things happen for a reason. I was reminded of this saying, "At the end of a rainbow, you'll find a pot of gold". Now, I didn't stumble across any pot filled with gold but I was blessed with something even more precious. I was blessed with a baby girl. She was my pot of gold. And that was the central of all reasons that lead to his departure.

But I am still not convinced that that was the only reason he walked away. Simply because when I had sprung the news on him, he was just as ecstatic as I was. Even more, actually. He was so excited that he started planning the nursery he has always imagined for his first born, despite whether it turned out to be baby girl or boy. His impatient and short-tempered character took a whirlwind of change to this more patient and responsible man. He threw out all his bad habits just to prove that he can be a good enough father to his daughter. The most heart-wrenching of all was when he swore by me and his daughter that he'd always be there for her no matter what the circumstance. You see, everything was going to turn out perfect. Just Perfect.

"Why the hell did he abandon me like this?", I'd ask myself every now and then as he left me with nothing but the clothes on my back and to fend for myself while I was enciente. Somewhere, wherever he is, he might have a very rational explanation in store for me but I doubt I'll ever be in a good mood to hear it. I've run out of 'goodbyes', 'second chances' and my level of trust towards people has been running low lately. These are the little things that often get overlooked or taken for granted by ignorant people and it's only when it's too late that they realized what they have lost. 'Trust' and 'chances' can't be so easily won over by time and effort until someone proves they are of such worth. That is what I believe in but the thing is, I don't think I'm strong enough to forgive and forget.

I guess it's all in life's lessons, no? I once read somewhere that the mistakes and wrong turns we make in life are lessons to be learnt and it's only by experiencing them, we will ever truly know what it feels like to fully live life. I mean, what fun is there in living life when everything is just so flawlessly perfect? There won't be any risk-taking, accidents, coincidences and wrong turns. Everything would be so perfectly boring and there won't be any lessons learnt. So, I'm considering my past to be a lesson in the pages of my life. Otherwise, I wouldn't be able to gain the strength and courage to hoist myself up from the black hole my life was at. 

Living by each passing day and by each tick of the hands of time in regret is definitely not the way to live and so I'm taking the liberty to start anew. I used to wake up to morning sunshines, witness sunsets, and gaze at the starry sky at midnight. I used to have all the time in the world, to travel, gallivant and seek adventure. But not anymore as I now have a baby to be a good mother to.

 

Sometimes, I'd sit alone in the corner of my room and take a time out from all the chaos just to replay memories in my mind, to question the outcome of the present. I don't know why I do it but I might just have a clue. Maybe I still need some kind of solid memory to assure myself that she isn't just a doll but my own flesh and blood, that she wasn't just the outcome of an unwanted pregnancy - a 'mistake', that she is real. 

She very much is real, alright.

Marcus, her father, will be calling any moment now but I'm going to keep ignoring his calls as I always have. He most probably would pester me about wanting to drop by for a visit again but he's not going to get the green light. Not just yet. She is now my responsibility to protect and care for since he threw all his rights all those years ago when the roads got bumpy.

I now wake up to each morning to attend to her every need; I change her diapers, feed her, clean her mess and just be there to witness every little move she makes. I keep her safe, just like any mother would her daughter. And I do it all on my own. Amazing how up to this this, I still haven't linked the dotted lines to why I was blessed with such a precious sweetheart. 

I was in a state of despair when she came along. I had nowhere to go and had no one to turn to. In the midst of all that, I lost myself too. I forgot my beliefs and principles and was standing on the ledge of giving up. And I almost considered the plan to give her up for adoption. But something tugged at my heart and held me firm, and that's my baby girl. I had to stay strong, for the both of us. Even when her father bailed, I could never. She's the reason for setting fire to that little spark of hope that kept me holding on and not letting go of myself.

That little girl of mine, her name is Hope, named after the courage and hope she birthed within me to carry on living. I now am not afraid to face whatever life may throw my way, because I'm strong enough to withstand anything; strong enough for the both of us. She's fitted in my heartbeat, my only Hope.

 ____________

I still have not quite figured out what lead me to write about this, but I guess I wanted to write about something different for a change instead of the usual "boy meets girl" or "love at first sight" stories. 

Heck, just enjoy it.

Life goes on, always

Being an open book is not how I'd like to be known as, ever. But right now, all self-preservation and self-consciousness can be sucked out of the window for all I care. Cause' at the state I'm in right now, all my mind's constantly reminding me about is how lonely my nights are and how my actions and decisions have consequently led me to feel this way. It maybe sudden and the timing might not be perfect, but I'm also feeling a strange thud in my heart to write about LOVE - after such a long time. Instead of it being a love felt for another, this time, it's self-love.

I recently wrote a short story which was also an essay for my recent English paper. Since I'm in a very sharing mood, I've decided to type it out here and share it with all of you... Enjoy!

_____________________

The city of Los Angeles is a very delectable place during the summer season; filled with summer romance, pleasure, fun and excitement. The mighty sun never fails to beam its beautiful rays just as lovely flower buds never fail to bloom. The view is almost picturesque. It is a time when teenagers go off to find a semester job just so that they could earn enough to purchase a car or lend a helping hand to their parents in the financial department. A time when children refuse to return to their homes because the weather is just right for them to play outdoors. A time when all the beaches are undoubtedly packed like tuna with people whom are flopped the other way around in hopes of getting an awesome sun tan. It is also a time when cupid is most active doing match-making and giving lonely souls a chance at love. Well, it was so for Katie.

Katie, a down-town Texas country girl, decided to start a new life in Los Angeles after returning from England, where she went to further her studies. There in England, on one occasion while she was roaming the magnificent streets of the U.K, she bumped into a tall, lithe man whose face was deeply tanned, his hair vitally thick as black as his onyx eyes. He was edgy and handsome, just the way she has always pictured her dream man to be. Judging from his appearance and the way he presents himself, Katie knew in her heart that he was a womanizer. He knew all the right things to say, at all the right times and Katie knew better than to fall for textbook pick-up lines and meaningless gestures. But as luck would have it, she fell for him anyway. Hard. His name is Sean. He is a bartender at one of the hottest clubs in Los Angeles. After just three days of being in each other’s company, Katie gave her heart to him and wherever he went, she would follow. Three days was all it took for her to fall in love with him. Three short, unforgettable days.

Until one night, after a wonderful candlelight dinner together, he told her that he will be leaving for Spain in a few days. He told her that he was given a job promotion and would be settling down there until a better job came along. While he was saying those words, she felt as if arrows had pierced through her heart. She was crushed beyond words and her world instantaneously came crumbling down around her. He was everything to her, she had made him her everything. With the little spark of hope that was left, she suggested that she tagged along. She was willing to leave her whole life behind, everything that she had worked for in the name of love. But as she suggested her proposal, he denied her without any thought. After having denied her, there was a guilt written all over his face. There must be more to the story than what he's telling me, she thought to herself. So she began pestering him, asking him more and more questions out of curiosity until he lets the cat out of the bag.

After all the pestering, he finally confessed to something else, something so much more heart-aching and devastating than she had ever imagined. He confessed to having an affair with a co-worker of his which has been going on for several months now. He also confessed that the main reason he will be leaving for Spain is to live with her and her family. That was all Katie needed to know, the truth. Katie tried to stand up for herself with whatever dignity she had left but not even a single word was uttered. She was speechless but now with more raging anger. She felt he needed a good punch in the face and a kick in his groin. Being too softhearted, she couldn't bring herself to do so. So, without so much as a 'goodbye' or a 'take care', she walked away from him. Tears welled up in her eyes as she swore to herself to never let her guard down and fall in love, ever again.

Several months flew by and she was getting skinnier and skinnier by each passing day. She had lost her appetite and her mood was definitely not helping in keeping her friends close to her. Her friends and family reached out to her in hopes they would be of any help but she shut them out. She was in no mood for pep-talks or any stories from good and well-intentioned relatives and friends. She quit her job as a magazine editor and resigned herself to finding solace in all the books that were piled all over her living space, just waiting to be read. This melt-down stretched on for two long years. She gave up on everything - her career, her love-life, her loved ones - and worst of all, she gave up on herself.

One day on her way back home from running a few daily errands, something urged her to take a different path rather than the one she usually took. Listening to her instincts, she followed through. While walking down the new, unfamiliar path, she heard a faint, soft whisper calling out to her. She looked all around her to see where that voice was coming from and then managed to trace it back to the orphanage that was just around the corner. It was a voice of a little girl. Hesitantly, she walked towards the orphanage to find out why that little girl was calling out to her. Before she knew it, they were engaged in a very deep conversation. Aurora was her name. Throughout her life, she has never experienced how it is like to be in a family, to be loved. Her parents were involved in a car accident when she was just 5 years old and there were no relatives in town to look after her, so she lived on the streets. Until one lucky day, a kind soul brought her into an orphanage and gave her a place to sleep in, meals to fill her empty stomach and company to keep whatever that is left of her childhood, alive.

After listening to what this little girl had been though, Katie realized that her life is so much worth being grateful for. Suddenly, she was filled with determination to get her life back on track. Sorting her plans for her comeback, she made a run for it. She thanked that little girl for boosting her confidence and for helping her to realize how much more there is to life. She ran all the way home and started working on ways to make life worth-living once again.

In a matter of no time, she picked herself up, got right back on her feet and she took up a job as a writer - an ambition she had always dreamed of as a little girl. In four years, she had already written 5 bestselling novels. It was during one night at a Book Awards event, when she walked away with 3 awards for best love/romance novels that she never felt so overwhelmed of her accomplishment.  She told herself that she had everything she could ever want and then some. She had a successful career and everything was going according to her whim and fancy but when it came to love, there was no man in her heart. However, she decided that she didn't need a man in her life to make her feel happy and loved. She was capable of doing so all on her own. She was happy in her own skin. That night, she eventually found love; in herself. When the event came to an end, she left with a smile on her face. A smile that, she thought to herself, would last for quite some time. Because she believed that no matter what, life goes on...

P.S - This story will be published in this year's school magazine. With love, enjoy!

I'm stronger than I was before

Once again, after months of having no time to myself and no time to allow my creative juices to be put to good use, I've managed to finish writing this poem.

This is basically about how I've managed to pick myself up and move on. From how "We" ended the other day, it was a sort of the wake-up call I needed eons ago when there were so many signs. But in the end, I'm grateful for how it happened. It opened up my eyes and reminded me that everything happens for a reason.

____________

I snapped a picture of you one day,
And made a promise to never throw it away.
I kept it locked up in the deepest pit of my heart,
I threw away the key and was left without a doubt.

From the first day I saw you, my heart thumped so hard that I knew it was captured.
Your presence never failed to make my heart sing and from that day, I was a fallen angel.
I cherished every glace your eyes twinkled when it met mine,
Even now, I cherish it like it's worth gold mine. 

I can't believe I'm saying this but I've lost my sense of direction,
Wherever I thought my road was heading was not the destination.
The stars, you were, all scattered across my midnight sky,
Keeping the moon company when all the chaos of the day was set to flight.

I depended on you like the pillar of strength I need,
And thought that once you were gone, I wouldn't be able to breathe.
But the truth is, life's never better and I can hold my head high.
I'm stronger now than ever and living without a sigh.




P.S - This is not specifically for anyone so don't assume. With love.

Despite it all, stand by me

This here is just a little something I wrote to kill time. Seeing as it has been eons since I last wrote a poem, I took the liberty in fiddling with the thoughts that were bouncing around in my head and voila! Just let me know what you think, pretty please?

 ___________

 

I'm sitting in the corner with a bruised heart,
I'm picking up the pieces and heading back to the start.
Sometimes you gotta take things one step at a time,
Just watch things fall to place, be brave and walk the line.

I walked the line, that's what I did
I chose to be a good girl and for once, listen to what you said.
You lured me in, knowing i'd fall easy,
But baby, you now know that it ain't easy to please me.

I'm a good girl gone bad,
And you always know where I'm at.
My heart's just guarded by soldiers,
So that it won't turn colder.

But I'm begging you please to keep fighting for me,
Do it cause' I'm worth fighting for and not for the sake of me.
Don't try to protect my heart from heartache cause' it's a losing battle,
Just be by my side, even when I'm hard to handle.