She's hope.

As I was about to close my eyes to treat myself to an afternoon nap, my cellphone buzzed alive. I frowned in annoyance as by the awakening tone, I was indubious that there won't be any chance for me to get the rest I am constantly deprived of. I checked the caller's ID and my eyes grew wide. It read trouble as it was Marcus, once again. This time, I really wish I had turned off my cellphone and chucked it somewhere it can never be found. He has been calling and texting all day to apologize but as my heart has yet to recover from it being scathed, he is going to have to be patient for my reply.

A few months ago, I was on top of the world. My grades have been exceptionally impressive and my reputation as the president of the Musical Club was sustaining. On top of that, the audition I did for a William Shakespere's play last summer had been nailed. I have gotten everything I've set my mind to and so much more.

My life's journey was at it's peak when happiness, love and success resided around me but over one tiny wrong turn I made, I am where I am today.  That mistake was throwing all the success that was in the palm of my hands for some idiot I thought I loved back then. Of course, at that time, he didn't seem like an idiot but a god-send. I still remember with undimmed clarity how he lured me into the tangled cobwebs of his life with his sweet chivalry and flamboyant charm. He was the true definition of perfect, through my eyes. Back then, when he sent me floating on cloud 9, he promised to never leave; he promised to marry me when I was done with school; he promised me not a big white bungalow but a home just enough for the both of us. But as all fairy tales have an ending, the night when he packed his things and walked away was mine to live with. There was a long list of other promises he never kept but at that time, I chose to be ignorant.

A few days passed but as I live in a small town where gossip spreads like wild fire, I've had people come up to me and question me about his sudden disappearance. I'd like nothing more then to satisfy their thirst for the latest gossip but all they received was utter silence. Cause' the thing is, I'm afraid. I'm afraid I'll break down each time I mention or hear his name; I'm afraid that I'll never be at peace with this part of my life's history. So, I left them with nothing to gossip about nor a topic to talk over during tea-time.

Later on that night, after burring myself in a pool of tears and pondering upon all that I've lost, I managed to make peace with that hallow phase in my life. I picked myself up and told myself that things happen for a reason. I was reminded of this saying, "At the end of a rainbow, you'll find a pot of gold". Now, I didn't stumble across any pot filled with gold but I was blessed with something even more precious. I was blessed with a baby girl. She was my pot of gold. And that was the central of all reasons that lead to his departure.

But I am still not convinced that that was the only reason he walked away. Simply because when I had sprung the news on him, he was just as ecstatic as I was. Even more, actually. He was so excited that he started planning the nursery he has always imagined for his first born, despite whether it turned out to be baby girl or boy. His impatient and short-tempered character took a whirlwind of change to this more patient and responsible man. He threw out all his bad habits just to prove that he can be a good enough father to his daughter. The most heart-wrenching of all was when he swore by me and his daughter that he'd always be there for her no matter what the circumstance. You see, everything was going to turn out perfect. Just Perfect.

"Why the hell did he abandon me like this?", I'd ask myself every now and then as he left me with nothing but the clothes on my back and to fend for myself while I was enciente. Somewhere, wherever he is, he might have a very rational explanation in store for me but I doubt I'll ever be in a good mood to hear it. I've run out of 'goodbyes', 'second chances' and my level of trust towards people has been running low lately. These are the little things that often get overlooked or taken for granted by ignorant people and it's only when it's too late that they realized what they have lost. 'Trust' and 'chances' can't be so easily won over by time and effort until someone proves they are of such worth. That is what I believe in but the thing is, I don't think I'm strong enough to forgive and forget.

I guess it's all in life's lessons, no? I once read somewhere that the mistakes and wrong turns we make in life are lessons to be learnt and it's only by experiencing them, we will ever truly know what it feels like to fully live life. I mean, what fun is there in living life when everything is just so flawlessly perfect? There won't be any risk-taking, accidents, coincidences and wrong turns. Everything would be so perfectly boring and there won't be any lessons learnt. So, I'm considering my past to be a lesson in the pages of my life. Otherwise, I wouldn't be able to gain the strength and courage to hoist myself up from the black hole my life was at. 

Living by each passing day and by each tick of the hands of time in regret is definitely not the way to live and so I'm taking the liberty to start anew. I used to wake up to morning sunshines, witness sunsets, and gaze at the starry sky at midnight. I used to have all the time in the world, to travel, gallivant and seek adventure. But not anymore as I now have a baby to be a good mother to.

 

Sometimes, I'd sit alone in the corner of my room and take a time out from all the chaos just to replay memories in my mind, to question the outcome of the present. I don't know why I do it but I might just have a clue. Maybe I still need some kind of solid memory to assure myself that she isn't just a doll but my own flesh and blood, that she wasn't just the outcome of an unwanted pregnancy - a 'mistake', that she is real. 

She very much is real, alright.

Marcus, her father, will be calling any moment now but I'm going to keep ignoring his calls as I always have. He most probably would pester me about wanting to drop by for a visit again but he's not going to get the green light. Not just yet. She is now my responsibility to protect and care for since he threw all his rights all those years ago when the roads got bumpy.

I now wake up to each morning to attend to her every need; I change her diapers, feed her, clean her mess and just be there to witness every little move she makes. I keep her safe, just like any mother would her daughter. And I do it all on my own. Amazing how up to this this, I still haven't linked the dotted lines to why I was blessed with such a precious sweetheart. 

I was in a state of despair when she came along. I had nowhere to go and had no one to turn to. In the midst of all that, I lost myself too. I forgot my beliefs and principles and was standing on the ledge of giving up. And I almost considered the plan to give her up for adoption. But something tugged at my heart and held me firm, and that's my baby girl. I had to stay strong, for the both of us. Even when her father bailed, I could never. She's the reason for setting fire to that little spark of hope that kept me holding on and not letting go of myself.

That little girl of mine, her name is Hope, named after the courage and hope she birthed within me to carry on living. I now am not afraid to face whatever life may throw my way, because I'm strong enough to withstand anything; strong enough for the both of us. She's fitted in my heartbeat, my only Hope.

 ____________

I still have not quite figured out what lead me to write about this, but I guess I wanted to write about something different for a change instead of the usual "boy meets girl" or "love at first sight" stories. 

Heck, just enjoy it.