Enough

These days I could probably nod and tell you that yes, I am happy; I am content. What with everything that has taken place recently, I can’t help but wonder if there was any other way I could have learned the things I have. I wrote somewhere in journal entry a few months (or weeks) ago – can’t remember – about how empty and barren I felt for not doing the things I once loved doing. And as much as it defeats my pride to admit it, this feeling of emptiness and barrenness happens to have an upcoming sequel although this time, rather slightly subdued. I used to read a lot of blogs back in the days when my course in college was still being contemplated; I’d keep tabs on those blogger’s updates and would, without a doubt, always find a way to at least scroll through to what they have to say. Along the way, instead of being true to myself and sticking to my style of writing, I lost sight of that and ended up trying to write like those bloggers. Simply because I thought that they wrote a million times better than I did; I thought that their way of words captured the hearts of more followers and readers than I did; and I also thought that I wasn’t good enough, that the way I wrote didn’t reach my optimum level of satisfaction. I was so full of a mixture of inspiration and ego that I refused to settle, having in mind that their style of writing was what I needed to opt for, was what I needed to achieve. But as all wrong turns would finally lead you to the right one, I found myself. I don’t read as much blogs as I used to anymore because I find myself always fighting for time (and with it) but every once in awhile, when I do, the urge to write the way they do doesn’t flow through my veins anymore. I don’t feel the need to plagiarize and neither do I intend to. And from this, I’ve come to accept the fact that whatever I do or in this case, whichever is my style of writing, it’s enough.

I’ve also come to accept that I am enough. 

I still stand here holding up the roof

I have been away for quite some time now, haven't I? It just sank in about a few minutes ago, how long it has been since I've had the time and will to invade the online world with my never-ending tweets, random snapshots and daily journal entries, let alone open up my laptop and run my fingers across the keyboard for goodness sake! I did what I had to do to keep my mind focused like a hawk on its prey. 

Just recently, a few weeks ago, I sat for my Cambridge A-levels Examination and yesterday was the day it ended. So on the weeks leading up to my exam, I made a decision to restrict myself - ban would actually be a better word for it - from any online activities, with the help of a deal I made with a 'guardian' or so I'd like to call him that. But of course, deal or no deal, there were bound to be days when flipping open my laptop and going online would be the most natural and habitual thing to do and so on those days, the deal I made was pretty much useless. Regardless of how hurt he was and how stupid I had been to take things so lightly, the deal was still valid even after I've gone against it a million times, as long as I was honest about it... until today, that is, because today that deal wouldn't matter anymore for it has expired. And besides, even if I now have the liberty and freedom to go online whenever I please, it would be impossible anyway.

... which leads me to the next thing I'm about to rant about. 

Apart from making a deal and banning myself from the cyber world, I have officially moved in with my grandma. I took over my aunt's room, which had been a dusty, abandoned space with cobwebs in every corner, visible enough to be spotted the instant one enters the room. Long hours have been spent cleaning the room itself, and additional hours spent decorating it, hammering nails into the wall and hanging up pictures... and just making myself at home. Nanny was also more than generous enough to include a brand new wooden, classic-looking 4-door wardrobe and a comfortable bed because, well, everything from the wardrobe, the bed to the table that had been there for years has been worn out or broken in some way or another. And finally, after all the hardwork and after 18 years of sharing a room with my sister, I can now enjoy my own company in my own private space because now... I have my own room. 

I decided to go home today, after two weeks at Nanny's and as I was making my way through the carpark, I was greeted by a solemn sight of a big blue tent which had off-white tables and chairs, the kind of scene which indicated that a funeral was going to take place soon. Whoever that is, he/she meant something to somebody and I only pray that the family would be able to cope, at least. 

As for me, well... the hecticness of my life can wait for now because today, I'm going cuddle up in bed with a good book and allow the hours of the day to pass by before me. 

Leaps on a foreign ground

It's been two days since my part-time job at the Embassy of Sweden ended and it goes without saying that I already miss it there. I don't miss waking up at the crack of dawn and commuting solo all the way to my work place by LRT; those mornings could get a little lonely at times. But what I do and would miss, though, is the weekly supply of a basketful of fresh fruits which would always be in the pantry come Monday morning. I'd miss Friday's coffee break which was always insisted and deemed necessary by the Ambassador. I'd miss getting paid the amount most part-timers would only dream of earning, especially judging from the very little work I do. Then, there are my colleagues. There's a handful of them whom have selflessly done their part in making me feel welcomed - I felt like I was apart of a family. You know who you are, so if you're reading this, please know that I'm utterly grateful for everything.

Since I'm still on the topic of my job at the Embassy, I'd like to note that the duration I spent working there was not as glamorous or fancy as it seemed to be - glamorous and fancy are two of the most often words that are heard after my workplace has been mentioned in a conversation. There was something new to learn everyday and it wasn't always easy to catch-up on everything. And more often than not, due to taking things too lightly, I was a disappointment. I'd forget to turn on the switchboard or set the lunch message; I'd secretly spend hours and hours on Facebook and Twitter, while I procrastinate on finishing up my work; my desk would always be filled with post-its and in a complete mess; and when questioned about the Embassy's services, I'd ask my colleague to answer, even though she has taught me time and time again. I realized I pissed a lot of them off, unto the extent where complaints about my work-ethic had been lodged to the person who hired me. I failed as a worker of a prestigious Embassy; I failed myself, and most of all I failed the person whom had the utmost trust in me to take on such a job. If only there was some way I could make it up to her, other than saying "I'm sorry". As for my boss on the other hand, I bet she's relieved as well that my contract has finally ended.

Such bittersweet memories I brought along with me as I walked out of the building on my last day. As much of a disappointment I was or as much as I screwed up, finding out in the end that my careless actions affected  my reputation was hurtful but regardless, I was taught a lesson to Never takes things too lightly and that life's not always fun and games. Working at the Embassy was a good stepping stone for what to expect and how to go about in the working world in the future, which I plan to only welcome back into my life once I've completed my studies - a long way to go. Hey, look at it this way. At least I gained something from my experience of working at the Embassy, right?

And so ends a chapter in my life.

When one door closes, another one opens, or so the saying goes. Indeed, as my contract with the Embassy came to an end, something else arose: College.

To be frank, the prospect of starting on a new ground scares me. It's knowing for a fact that it won't be like high-school - where you'd see the majority of your classmates the following year with no questions asked and where after years of schooling, you'd become accustomed to your surroundings - is what scares me most. I wasn't gifted with a sort of talent for changing form, lacking of the ability to dissolve and then flow around the needs of my surroundings, or the needs of mere quotidian reality. Change, I realized when inevitable, is something I don't take and conform to so well. It takes time, especially when a new chapter of my life will begin well, tomorrow. This time, I'd be meeting new people, learning new terms and things. Of course it's easier said than done - it's always easier said than done - but knowing myself, I'd eventually conform to my surroundings. I hope.

To those of you keen on knowing, I'm going to pursue 'A' levels at Brickfields Asia College, in July - 4th of July, tomorrow - and this decision has been made final by my parents (Well, Dad actually) In all honesty, this wasn't the pathway I'd planned on walking on. Pursuing Law was never apart of my life's master plan. It was as if I'd been brainwashed, but then again, not really because in the end I made the choice -a very last-minute choice, that is. I left it in the hands of God and it just so happened that this was the pathway I was lead to walk on. But surprisingly, I'm not minding it.

Come to think of it, I don't think I was ever sure of what I wanted to do except for the fact that I had a few things in mind. If anything, I wanted a job that would allow me either to travel, to write or to sing. And if I had lucky stars on my side, a job that would allow me to do all three would be more like it. But I guess things won't be falling into place like that now, would it? That's probably the beauty of life. Once in awhile, unpredictability intervenes and long-thought plans would then backfire to give you a hard smack in the face to prove a point; Sometimes things won't go according to how it's originally planned and that's okay. It doesn't matter if I might not get to do those things now, but I hope that at least for once in my life, I'd someday get to do them. Even if it would be just for the sake of doing it. It doesn't matter.

If only you walked in my shoes, would you then truly know how much I wish I had a say in my future. Without being influenced by those in my life or even brainwashed. Haih. But hey, like I said, it's okay. If there's one thing I learned from growing up in a family of dominating figures, it's to endure and just deal.

Anyways, excuse me for the rant. This is just a really big, current issue of mine. And besides, due to the often indecisiveness of which course I'd be taking, I hope this post answers your questions about which direction I'd be heading in. Otherwise, you know where to find me.

Ah, it feels so good to type out my thoughts once again, after weeks of absence. I hope, by the looks of my very reasonable college timetable, I'd be able to be more consistent.

But for now, I'll leave you with this. I've got a big day tomorrow so goodnight!