Long, lonely nights

These past couple of days, I would lay in bed at night and just stare blankly at the ceiling. Uncertain of whether to keep my fingers busy by tweeting or just lay there in the comfortable stillness. My cellphone would be beside me on the bedside table, useless, until the clock strikes midnight - that is when he usually calls. Otherwise, I would give into the unsettling thoughts in my mind which have been impatiently seeking my attention. Last night, that was exactly what I did.

I laid awake, prised my eyes open and instead of tossing and turning and trying to sleep, I allowed my mind to wander because it has been awhile since I have had some alone time with my conscience. I allowed myself to be drowned in my thoughts, lost in curiosity and bewilderrment. And when I did, it was a battle with my mind and heart as I was forced to deal with the harsh realization that I may not be the same person I used to be a few months back. Let alone, a few years ago.

Back in the days when I would dream out loud, I told myself that I would do this and that. I set personal goals for myself just so that I could prove to myself that I was an achiever. And then came the promises I made to make sure I followed through with every goal/resolution I told myself I would do. I told myself that I would only apply for a job when I absolutely had to; that if I ever did, nothing would change at home. I had made up my mind: I was going to college (not to mention how excited I was) and further my studies in Mass Communication, in the field of Journalism. At the same time, I wanted to have a career in singing. I planned to take part in singing competitions, sing at open-mic nights, sign a recording deal and win my ticket to stardom. I had dreams too big for this town, you see.

Now, as I look back to the little dreamer I was and see the life I had once painted for myself and compare it to the path of life I am now walking on, all I see is a coward. A coward because I allowed things to take a turn for the worse right before my eyes, while I stood back and watch. It is the truth, sadly. Everything I did not want to happen, happened.

I will be starting college soon and a whole new chapter of my life will begin, but I am not as excited anymore. No matter how made up I thought my mind was before, reality intervened and now instead of furthering my studies in Mass Communication, I would be doing my Foundations in Law first and then it would be my Diploma in Mass Communication but I am not sure if Journalism is for me anymore. I did not take part in singing competitions but instead am now starting to do covers. My relationship with my Grandma has been on rocks recently. I used to come home from school so happy that I would finally get to see her, spend time with her and tell her about my day but now...we're back to being complete strangers. And I miss her, more than she will ever know.

Sickeningly so, I feel like I have lost apart of myself, apart of the person I used to be. And not only is this truth hurting myself but also the people around me. Oh God, I wish there was some way I could turn back the hands of time. This thing I have been struggling with Change is unbearable, leaving me more often than not, with a heavy heart.

I guess all I can do now is hope - for the strength to carry on, to cope because even when the familiarity of everything around you changes, you may not be able to conform to it and sometimes all a person needs to do and can do is just...hope.