This person - I didn't exactly meet him nor were we properly introduced. It was a chilly, dark, starry night at camp and he was just some boy who, along with his group of friends, walked pass me and shyly said "Hi!" and asked my friend for my name while we were making our way back from the medic. He was the same boy who on the same night, after supper, was coincidently right behind me as I made my way back to the medic. We made small talk for awhile; he asked me if my inflamed tonsils were healed and before we went our separate ways... it was the first time he asked me to dream of him.
I met him when I stepped out of my comfort zone and into the complete different environment that is my PLKN campsite at Gopeng, Perak and it never even for a second crossed my mind that I might possibly meet that one person and feel this way.
I feel like a little girl, meeting a boy for the first time, not sure of what I feel but not bothered to question myself either. It is like being pierced by several arrows all at once, feeling that stabbing pain like electric current in your veins you can't help but ( in a weird way), enjoy. These feelings inside of me, I can't seem to make sense out of them nor succeed at my attempt to sum them up... so I'm just going to let them linger within me, sit back and wait for time to tell if it is meant to last.
With the whirlwind of change that has been happening all around me (Think burying of hatches, incurable illness, impossible deadlines, lack of time management and sleep, contemplating on collegial related issues) while I am stuck right smack in the center of it all, I thank God that He kept that one person a constant, whom was either cracking me up in every open opportunity with his crazy and quirky antics or being the refuge I run to when I was in need of morale support by his heartrending words of comfort.
I don't know what he is doing to me but as seconds turn into minutes and hours turn into days, he is slowly occupying every aspect of my life, especially my vacant heart. He is the reason why instead of spending my time writing and engaging in my personal space (not to mention sleeping in early), I am being lured into the whirlpool of missing him and thinking of him more often than I know I should.
A good friend of ours once pointed out saying, "The distance in between two people will either tear them apart... or bring them closer together. In your case, it is not going to tear the both of you apart". I have to admit that when I first heard this, I found it to be bogus and to my ears, it sounded as if he was talking gibberish. But boy was I wrong to deny it. If anything, the distance between this person and I, has birthed an unexplainable level of missing the other party so much and yearning for each other's presence thus, resorting to past-midnight phone calls - almost every night - for comfort. Simply because the distance that lingers in the space between us does not quite provide us with much option, anyway.
Although, despite the circumstances we are up against, we have decided to take each day as a challenge. Isn't that the only way to know for sure if a relationship is built on solid ground?
Well, all I know is I cannot think straight and my mind is filled with thoughts of him. Be it the way the sides of his eyes curl at the edge when he smiles, or the way he can't stay mad at me for a long period of time. Everything about him, as little as they are, is slowly dominating every vacant space in my heart... and I am surprisingly allowing it. I simply cannot oppose him even if I wanted to. Instead, I am slowly unravelling my feelings for him as they come, accepting and taking in everything that makes him him.
There's something about him that is... different, as cheesy as this may sound. Different in what way, I'm uncertain but maybe I say he is diffrent and this feels different because...
Well, for one, he can be compared to being a rose among thorns. He was the first guy who, despite shaking anxiously inside and nervousness being written all over his face, got face-to-face with me and asked me to be his girlfriend. I still remember every look upon his face, how fuelled with uncertainty of what my answer might be - I said "Yes", of course. He was the first guy who took the time to write me a love letter, despite how eventful and taxing our days at camp were. It wasn't the kind that was long and poetic, nor would it win the title of The Best Love Letter but it came from an honest heart. And to me, that was what mattered most.
With him, I could not say "No." I could not make up an excuse to push him away and remain as just friends. I could not think straight about the consequences that might surface in the long run. I could not stop my heart from racing when he smiled my way. I could not help but look back when he looked at me a million times from across the hall. I blushed and told him how crazy he was but I secretly liked it. When he tells me that he has never felt the way he does with me, I can't help but believe him. As for relationship's challenging friend 'Trust', let's just say that there's an easiness that comes along with trusting him, as foolish as it may sound. The comfortability that has blossomed from the times we have spent together is still so hard believe because never before have I felt like I could tear down my walls and be completely myself with anyone. Until him. Heck, I can even eat a burger in front of him and not care about what he would think.
If you are reading this Mr, you should know that you have changed me. I may have told you this before, but I would like to say it again. From the moment I met you, you have opened my eyes to new things and experiences. You taught me how to be considerate of the feelings people have around me and treat them the way I would like to be treated in return. You encouraged me to eat with my hands when I confessed to you that I have never done so before, to wash my own clothes when you found out how much of a spoilt brat I was; to be independent. And ever since, you have made me want to be a better person, to be the best in all I can be. You make me happy, truly happy - the way no one else could (can)- and having you by my side is something I would not have any other way. No if's, but's or maybe's.
You're not the first person I have said "I love you" to nor were you the first guy to sweep me off my feet, but right here and right now, my past has been burried and forever will it remain that way because I know who I want in my present and that is you. You are the place where every "I love you" can now call home and the reason why my heart feels at peace in knowing that it now has a purpose to continue beating.
I may not know what the future has in store for us but of course I will continue to hope. I mean, how can I not? It's you, and it's me and our whole lives ahead of us. I would tell you that I want to spend the rest of my life with you - I wish there was some way to secure that statement - but you see, I don't want to make promises that are inevitable to keep. At the same time, letting you go shouln't be the alternate option, or any option for that matter. It can't be. But if one day, god forbid, it has to come to that... I know that it won't be an easy task. Like fire and rain we are, driving each other insane but somehow nothing can keep us apart. And I can only hope that you would continue to be the fire that will drive me insane on the rainy days I face.
A wise woman once told me before that, "If it is meant to be, it will be." And at that time, I was a curious little being, always wanting to take things into my own hands. Hence, doubting what I heard and then naively medling with destity. I learned my lesson. So now, let's just live in the moment and embrace the beauty of the unknown, just you and me.
P.S - I drafted this post a few days after I had completed my National Service training and after weeks of complete utter madness and distraction - be it at work or at home - it is finally done.
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