Monday, July 02, 2012

Laziness vs. Believing

It's been approximately three months since I have taken the time to construct my thoughts, string them into sentences and allow my fingertips to be guided by my heart's rhythm. Or to be precise, I allowed my thoughts and writings to take the backseat; not prioritizing them the way I normally would. The primary reason for my actions was due to the fact that my exams were so closely around the corner, and I felt it necessary to drop everything and just concentrate on doing what I was supposed to do - study for my A2 exams. This went on from the beginning of April right up to the day I had my last paper, which was on the 15th of June. I made a mental deal with myself which was sort of like this: Once my exams are over, I'd start writing again. And I'd kept this deal diligently, however, it did not only last until the day of my last paper but throughout the many weeks that followed.

Instead of transitioning my sedentary lifestyle of studying and eating to doing the list of things I had planned to do once my exams were over, all I'd accomplish from that list was gallivanting, bombarding shopping malls and the most productive one of all, reading the books that having been so patiently sitting on my bookshelf just waiting for their turn to be picked-up and read. Apart from these, there's nothing much I've gotten done, really.

I still have a long way to go to be completely and utterly satisfied in knowing that my weeks of liberation have been well-spent, as you can see for yourself:

  • Join the Summer School programe my college is so enthusiastically advertising. 
  • Take up a part-time job, for a little pocket money on the side. 
  • The trip to Perhentian with my college group of hooligans. 
  • Australia/L.A - or maybe even both, hopefully - with Dad. 
  • Learn how to play the guitar or maybe just get back to learning how to play the piano. 
  • Learn a new, foreign language. 
  • Rock-climbing. 
  • Learning how to cook and start playing an important role in the kitchen.
  • Catch-up like the good ol' days with friends. 
  • Continue making covers. 
  • Performing. 
  • Shopping. 
  • Getting in shape, strengthening my core, and making sure that I'm bursting with energy.
  • Reading. 
etcetera, etcetera... 

It takes a lot of hard work trying to convince myself that there are just not enough hours in a day but the truth is that the months of moulding and limiting myself to doing only so much as eat, study and sleep during my exam period have awakened the devil of laziness inside of me, making it a constant struggle to stay determined and get my list of tasks done. I've become somewhat a very infamous procrastinator, allowing the devil of laziness inside me to feed on whatever is left of the ounces of determination and energy that used to overflow bountifully, leaving me adamant and sinfully lazy. 

Before I decided to jump out of bed and tell myself that "Today, I am going to start writing again." , I was so close to believing that maybe, just maybe, I've lost all my sense, passion and ability to write. And that maybe, writing just isn't for me. Trying to convince myself, my mind swirled and I was thinking along the lines of "maybe God decided that I should just stick to singing", "maybe I should stop writing because I'm not as good as all those brilliant and smart writers out there" and even "maybe I should just give up and accept the fact that it's not my gift."

But by believing and having faith, this post is proof that I still have it in me. I still have not certified if whether 'writing' is what I'm called to do or even 'singing', for that matter, but what I do know is that they both wash over me a sense of satisfaction and fulfillment that I never get tired of feeling. I love that I can write and express my thoughts. I love that I can sing in tune and hit high notes. I just love it. 

During my talk with God in the wee hours of last night, I'd asked him to help me nurture the gifts he had blessed me with, and with those gifts, help me find my calling. I also asked him to please allow me to write again. I prayed for will and determination as well, to get it done. 

I woke up today, feeling thankful and blessed. I went for my morning run and did some cardio. I ate a hearty breakfast. I showered. Once I did what was of a necessity, I willed myself to sit down and write. 

Today, for the first time in a long time, I wrote.

P.S - I have absolutely no clue as to whether this makes up for my months away but all I need you guys to know is that I'm truly sorry. 

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