Thursday, August 16, 2012

It feels like the first time

I must have done this a million times now - clicking on the 'New Post' button and opening a new tab, only to stare at it blankly for seconds that turn into minutes, and then upon realizing that I might not get any writing done by simply staring, I give up entirely and click on the 'X' button of that tab to get it out of my sight.

I don't know how I let it get to this. I don't know how I'd allowed myself to become so distant with what I once loved doing on a daily basis. I just don't. But what I do know and what I'm choosing to believe is that despite the laziness and constant acts of 'surrender' I'm beginning to incultivate in my daily routine, the few months right before I sat for my A2 exams which I spent drilling and disciplining myself to concentrate only on my books and nothing else did much more harm than I imagined possible.

It may have only been a mere month and a half since my last post but in truth and in all honesty, it has never felt longer. At least my old self would think so - the girl whom would religiously make sure that she has something to write every other given day, if not everyday. Days and weeks have flown by unproductively and as I continue to dig deeper and reach within myself in search to find the girl I used to know so well, I seem to failing as not even a trace of her presence in my life can be found, although a mere reflection of my inner-self she is.

Fullstop. Maybe this time, I don't want to justify my actions nor do I want to explain for my misbehavior in abandoning my little nook despite the oaths, promises and vows that were taken against it. Maybe this time, I don't even want to apologize. So, with the aforementioned, I'm letting myself off the hook and this means... we may very well proceed onto greener pastures, per se. 

In my last blog entry - the blog entry I posted approximately a month and a half ago - I had typed out an exceptionally long list of 'tasks' to do, given the fact that my A2 exams have been dealt with. It was somewhat a 'Bucket List'; yes you could call it that. But as dormant as I've been in my writing, the same issue happened when it came to completing the tasks on my list and striking them off. Despite the handful of tasks I'd managed to complete, it still wasn't enough to satisfy me. There are a lot of things I could have done with the ample time I had on my hands, maximizing the hours of each day to it's full capacity. Unfortunately, it was just my luck to have various events occur, preventing me from carrying out those tasks.

I didn't register myself for any of the courses my college was offering for the Summer School Programme. I didn't take up a part-time job to earn that little pocket money on the side. The trip to Perhentian with my college girlfriends didn't happen either, as one or the other was either working or too caught-up with the hectic schedules in their lives. I didn't get to tag along with Daddy to Australia/L.A as the re-formating of his new timetable made it difficult to plan ahead for when to apply for my visas. I also didn't make use of my free time to take up playing the guitar as it recently got returned back to me after being repaired. I neither made it point to pick up a new language nor did I go rock-climbing as according to plan.

Although I did not get to do the whole list of things above, and although I'm still so agitated with myself for not getting to do those things, I have decided to let it go because in the period of time those things were not accomplished, others were.

I have spent more time in the kitchen, working on my culinary skills, baking and learning how to cook the dishes Nanny is famous for. I passed my A-levels and would now be moving on to do my LLB (UKT, hopefully). I caught up with long-lost, good-old friends and spent ample time basking in the comforts of the easiness and closeness of our relationship, making up for the weeks - and for some, months - we've spent apart. I resumed doing covers again and have been diligently practicing my vocal range as well as straining my vocal chords. I have spent every morning, 5 days a week, running/jogging and working on my stamina and am still at it religiously. I have read an exceptional variety of good books, ranging from romantic novels, chick-lits to fictionally inspirational. Heh! As for the shopping, I did a whole lot of that too.

It appears that I need not be so agitated with myself after all.

The month of August is flying by, moving at the speed of light. The month of fasting for the Muslims would be ending in a few more days and by Saturday, it'll be time to go back to their hometowns to celebrate. The Bazaar Ramadhans along every possible lorong in K.L would be packing-up and closing stall as well - oh how my aunt and I have enjoyed the vast variety of mouth-watering delicacies that can only be found during the fasting month. The Kuih Pelita and Kuih Cara have always been my favorite!

As for me, well... my days of lazing around the house and hitting the malls at every chance I get would be ending soon too. But since the month of September is still a few weeks away, I would have until then.

Selmat Hari Raya Aidilfitri, folks! 

No comments: