The organ in my upper-left chest, the one that keeps me alive, beats at a frantic pace. No, I'm not quoting a line from a novel but I'm being literal here. And as cliche as it sounds, it's even more real to me than I'd expected it would be. There is a lump of bile that surged into my throat and both my head and chest are aching but despite it all, I have to finish what I started.
The thing is, I'm afraid. Terrified, even. I'm completely oblivious as to what this year holds for me but I'm vouching for it to continue surprising me in it's mysterious ways. I sense that it's going to be an even harder year than compared to the last because that's what everyone keeps telling me, almost warning-like. So with buckets full of hope, I'm counting on my good friends, strength and resilience, to cut through all that "I'm afraid" bullshit to escort me through the year.
I remember how psyched I was at the beginning of the year 2011; I wrote down a long list of resolutions and patiently anticipated for the year to unfold before me. And at the end of 2011, I realized how much they were a whole load of crap because after writing down all those resolutions, I didn't bother accomplishing it but instead let them remain as mere words. Useless and meaningless. So this year, I decided not to set any resolutions to spare my heart and time.
However, I have gathered a handful of things I'd like to improve on or work at, seeing as the burden of sticking to resolutions has been lifted of my shoulders.
- Be more patient and understanding towards Nanny. I've got to understand that age is catching up on her and with that, comes the thief of hearing, sight and patience. And I've got to watch the tone in my voice, the words I speak and the language I use because sometimes, over the littlest things, her feelings might get hurt.
- Being more careful and wise in the way I spend my money. I've got the differentiate between what I want and what I need and not mix the both together. Note to self: Money and material things don't and can't bring us a lifetime of happiness. So, it doesn't matter if I have the latest clothes or am following the latest trends, or that I have most of the things other people don't, because in the end, they all don't really matter. And that's a fact.
- Being honest. I've got to appreciate the people in my life whom try their level best to protect and keep me safe. Especially my Dad. I've got to learn to tell him the truth about where I am going, who I'm going with and whatnot. This includes other things and other people as well. Because sometimes, honesty is the best policy.
- Work harder, no more slacking. Taking into account my poor performance in my Cambridge A-levels exam explains enough of how much effort I'd put in to get those results. The fact that I'm still doubtful and uncertain is proof enough. So, instead of following my lecturer's teaching pace, I've gotta be one step ahead. Or at least, I've gotta try.
- Try new things. I've gotta stop being so damn safe all the time and do stuff that I might regret later, would not be proud of in the years to come and might never do again... and have peace in knowing that there would be lessons learnt.
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- Treat people the what I'd like to be treated in return (as someone pointed it out). Whoever you are, I apologize. I'm not trying to defend my behavior or anything but sometimes, when you try so hard to not be a certain kind of way, you turn out to be exactly that. So, I'm sorry for being inconsiderate, for being judgmental, for being a snob, for being a downright bitch. Whoever you are, this is for you.
There might be more of this but that is all for now. I've gotta go study. Goodnight!
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