Amends

It’s 10 past 3 a.m and God only knows why I’m up at this odd hour.

My mind’s in a mess - taking me back and forth to a surprising string of memories I’ve stored away for ages. With those almost-forgotten memories were the strong feelings that came with it.

You.

I’ve always been a huge fan of poetry. There’s something magical about how a word can compliment another and be formed into a sentence that resonates so beautifully and hold a meaning so profound. Lang Leav’s ‘Lullabies’ was nothing short from it.

Hastily browsing from one book shelf to another at the bookstore the other day, my eyes somehow spotted the dark blue covered book and there was no turning back. I just had to get it! And on that same day, by bedtime, I’d finished reading the entire thing.

There were so many pages in there that pulled at my heart-strings, so many I dog-eared. But only one, I felt a need to express.

*takes a deep breath*

You.

I’ve read this particular poem over and over again, and two people to mind – perhaps one more often than the other but still two very constant images come to mind. Right at this moment, my mind’s not doing such a good job standing its ground. Instead it chooses to let my heart meddle.

• Half of my heart is still pretty hopeful, despite the distance and despite the fact our only encounters have been via social media network. Everything from the way we got in touch to our conversations was too good to be true… as things like these never do happen to me. NEVER. And in the end I realized that it was a little too good to be true. But the hopeless romantic in me still kept hoping for you to be, well, true. I mean, how can I not hope for that at the very least when you’ve given me so much ‘hope’, given our circumstances. I can’t really put my finger on it but when I think of you and my mind’s in shambles, all that resounds in my ears are the apologies you’ve said to me, our conversations via Whatsapp voice-notes or the recent craze, Snapchats. You may know who you are once you’ve read this (I hope you never do!) and I may never have the guts to ever meet you face-to-face after this, but since you’re far far away and I’m here, facing a blank page just waiting to be filled, I want you to know that I’ve never regretted getting to know you. You are unique, quirky and funny and I was blessed with the opportunity to cross ‘social-media-paths’ with you, even if it was short-lived. You fulfilled everything in my ‘list’, as cliché as that sounds and if that’s even remotely possible, you must be a good-catch for any girl out there. Even if we’re “brosters” and even if our friendship blossomed into something more, I’d await the day I get to meet the man on the other side of my phone screen.




• The other half of my heart is transgressing beyond bounds, so much so, it feels sinful. This part of my heart brings me back to the naïve and innocent age of thirteen – the first time I saw you, the first time I ever felt so strongly for anyone (teenage-girl hormones, what to do) You were my first everything – well, not everything, if you know what I mean, but first love, definitely) and although you have hurt me in the past and present, there somehow always is a soft-spot for you no matter how hard I try to erase you and the memories of you from my life. Each time I try and contemplate the possibility of forgiving you and rewinding to where we started off, my heart and mind team up and give out the loudest warning signals. This is how I know you are no good for me; that there’s ‘trouble’ written all over you. I have even resorted to mentally list out all the reasons why we’re no good together but the funny thing about your heart is that sometimes, it has a mind of its own and in the spur of the moment, it caves in. If there’s anything I’d like for you to know, it’s that I miss you. I miss our talks and the times we spent together, just hanging out. I miss it even more because I know we can never get it back. This is not about forgiveness as we’re way past all that. I guess this mainly has to do with myself, and how much trust I have in myself. You see, the thing is, I don’t trust myself with you. I’m afraid I’d cave-in one day and things would get so messy and that you’d break my heart again, like you did all those times before. And this time, I’d be the biggest fool – the shame would be on me. So this is where I draw the line. Whenever I see you on the street, I won’t hesitate to say ‘Hi’ and make small talk but other than that, our memories and what we used to have would be buried so deep in the recesses of my mind, not intending to be unraveled anytime soon.




Now that I've got this all out of my system, I'm slowly starting to regret this. God help me.