"It's not my story anymore: whenever I speak about the past now, I feel as if I were talking about something that has nothing to do with me. All that remains in the present are the voice, the presence, and the importance of fulfilling my mission. I don't regret difficulties I experienced; I think they helped me to become the person I am today, I feel the way a warrior must feel after years of training; he doesn't remember the details of everything he learned, but he knows how to strike when the time is right."
-Paulo Coelho (The Zahir)
After all the pondering that was done about the aforementioned, the excerpt above fits exactly how I feel. As a new year is slowly dawning, resolutions have been jotted down on my "to do" list. And one of the many resolutions is to be a better person - in a love more and hate less kinda way. You see, the person I was before never really knew how to devote my heart to someone or something without having to receive something in return. I was incapable of being self-less, even if it was for a short while. Especially when it takes every bone in your body to be nice to that one unlikable person. And of course, that selfish behavior, stirred hatred in the hearts of many people. People whom I recently decided that it was time to make amends with. After giving it much thought, I realized that there wasn't a valid enough reason to not put an end to this. I came to a conclusion that it wasn't necessary to keep fueling the fire when it could be put out by a simple apology. So, with "to move forward, once has to make peace with the past" in mind, I decided to take that leap of courage to be the bigger person and apologize.
If I could, I'd try to make amends with all those I've done wrong by. But for now, I've only narrowed it down to two people. The first was Amanda, whom I made amends with a few days ago. There just seemed to be no reason to continue being at the receiving end of this hatred relationship. It was time for someone to end the feud anyways. And the agony it brought unto me was not knowing what had caused the feud in the first place - little, petty things were said about one another, and then one thing lead to another.
I remember reading somewhere that, "Apologizing doesn't always mean that you're wrong and the other is right. Sometimes, it only means you just really value the person much more than your pride". And that's just what it still is. Apologizing, to me, wasn't just for the sake of eliminating another hater, it was closing one door and waiting for another to open. It doesn't necessarily mean that things would go back to the way it once so happily was, because it won't, but at least both parties won't have hatred burdened inside of their hearts.
And after her, if that pounding urge to do so still exists, Low would be next. She was my best friend once, for what seems like ages ago, and seeing that we both ended our high school days not being on talking terms, there's only so much I can do on my part now. Of course I miss her, and there had been so many opportunities for me to go up to her and apologize but I let it slide. I was caught in between the moving forward and holding on. Truth be told, sometimes it's like I don't care anymore - I won't think about her and she becomes just another stray thought. But sometimes, she haunts me. Some reassurance that I'm not alone in this would be nice, but I guess this is one of those phases in life where I've got to do things all on my own.
So for now, waiting would probably the best option. If it is a smart way to go, anyways.
P.S - Merry Christmas everyone, and to all a good night. Ho ho ho!
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