Center of my life

It's been awhile since I've laid on my tummy with my laptop in front of me at arms-length, while writing up a journal entry. I remember how being in this position gave me a never-ending flow of inspiration because I was alone, in my confined space. I remember during Saturday evenings, just as the sun was about to set, I'd draw the curtains just to gaze at the magnificent view for awhile before I continued on whatever I was doing. I also remember how beautiful phenomenons gave me the muse to write - be it a song, a poem or something inspirational. And I remember how I've missed doing all these little things because today, I managed to do them all.

It's the season of holidays once again, but I'm counting myself out. Even though I won't have to go to school, these two weeks won't seem like a holiday for me at all as my SPM Trial awaits me at the end of this holiday season. I've been prepping myself up for the worst case scenario although, knowing myself, I'm not prone to outrageous behaviors such as waking up at 3 a.m just to study or studying so much until eating or health is forsaken. No, I made a promise to myself and to my body to never do such a thing.

I also promised to study my ass of to achieve my goals so that I'll make my parents proud - to make myself proud. But the thing is, no matter how much effort I put into studying, nothing will be of worth unless I place God as the captain of my life. Every day and every night. I've been telling myself that for as long as I can remember but it's something I'm constantly in battle of.

I envy people who have heard God's voice or have talked to him in their alone time, whom have kept to doing their devotions every morning because although I know I am talking to him, it feels more like something supposed to do rather than something I'd do out of a willing heart. And this is something I beat myself up for every waking hour. It's pretty depressing, knowing you're the odd one out. Especially when it's related to God.

But I'm not giving up. Someday - whenever it's His time for me - I'll hear what He has to say, and I'll live in the beauty and success He sprinkles upon my life. I'm having faith.

Dear God, I pray that you grant me the knowledge and wisdom to do the best that I can for your glory. Help me to put in the effort and the time to get the results I want and long for. Bless me with the determination to carry forth whatever I set my mind to and that I won't give up when it gets tough. Grant me your spirit of excellence in life too, O Lord, to achieve my goals and dreams. But most of all, I pray that you will be the center of my life and that I'll always put you first in everything I do. Amen.

Every night, before I go to bed, I say this prayer along with my Daily Bread. I say this without worrying because I know He listens, wherever he may be.

P.S -Whoever you are that commented on my Chatbox, I thank you so much. I think I just needed to hear those words as a reminder to never give up hope. You've made me realize that there's always someone to  pick me up when I'm in a state of abandonment. Thank you again. God bless!