An incomplete soul

I grew up in a very wholesome family; the kind of family that was always there when you needed them for morale support or a shoulder to cry on. It might be unbelievable but we loved each other (we still do) although expressing our feelings weren't always the most simplest thing to do. The most meaningful of words usually didn't have a chance to be said as we were always too afraid of surrendering to our emotions. Just to say a simple 'I love you' takes a whole lot of, for the lack of a better word, courage. It was that much of a struggle.

When it came to friends, I've had my fair share of those who were two-faced, backstabbing and who only talked to me when they were in need of a helping hand at something. And even though they acted in such an unscrupulous manner, I was too afraid to stand up for myself. Simply because I couldn't bare the thought losing them. The truth is, what I realized, was that I just wanted to be accepted. That's the bad, saddening part of it all. But upon losing those bad one's, I gained better one's. Those of which whom are still by my side and walking through each day with me. And I've never felt so happy and content with those whom I can call my loved one's. I guess that's why a person's place in our lives is not guaranteed for a lifetime; people leave but upon their absence, more room is made for new one's.

Then came the phase of blossoming into a young lady. Having given the undeserved privilege of crossing paths with people whom come from different backgrounds and lifestyles, I gained Life Lessons on how to live a blissful life, how to deal with certain situations etc etc.

Such as:

•   All that is hard in life right now will be of use in the future.

• Treat others the way you want to be treated in return.

• Just cause' someone does/says something bad to/about you, doesn't mean you should follow in their wrong doings.

•   Be discerning of people. Undiscerning people are fools. Don't be a fool.

• Pursue your passions. "Waiting to do something until you can be sure of doing it exactly right means waiting for ever." Just go for it!

... and the list just goes on and on.

All of which were very useful throughout my journey of becoming a young lady.

But there's this one advice I could never see eye-to-eye with, even till' this very day. Which is to always wear a smile on my face even when everything else around me is in chaos. Emotions are to be expressed and not to be bottled up and accumulated inside. At first, I got by just fine that way; hiding what I truly felt inside and pretending. I was the biggest lie. I could lie my way through my parents and each and every family member. It became a routine at one point, until smiling insincerely turned into a sarcastic gesture. It was too easy and I got used to the idea of what I truly felt being a mystery.

But with YOU, I just can't pretend. I can never hide how I truly feel. I say this because I've tried it before only to find out that it will never work with you. You understand me more than I understand myself. You see through my flaws and imperfection but love me anyways. And that's why i'm scared as hell that if I turn my back on you for one second, I'll lose you. I'm afraid that I won't ever have someone to be there for me, to give me great advice and to be my pillar of strength. Just like a little girl, I'm afraid that I'll lose my best friend.

I was engaged in a very deep conversation with a close friend of mine, Bethany, the other day and I ended up in tears. Big fat lumps of tears welled up in my eyes and there was no way to stop them from flowing. Because I finally confessed to something I was never certain of.

That is, losing you.

Because as often as they say, "friends come and go", I can honestly say that you can never be replaced.

Right now, there's just ME. The true me. I don't hide behind closed doors or pretend to be someone I'm not or can never be. Cause' I've learned how to love myself. I've learned how to be happy living in my own skin. 

And there's no one else I owe it to, but YOU.