Hopeful, regardless of everything else.

 

I lived through these past few days with a steady heart along with an eagerness to embark on an adventurous journey which is, for me, a day roaming around the city of KL. Throughout this past week, I have also been encountered by a wide range of emotions. As compose as most people say I am, this week had no place for composure to do it's wonders. Each emotion had a great impact on my daily rituals, most of which were not too delectable. I spent the afternoons feeling uncomfortable, sweaty and hot and in hope of being abandoned by such a feeling, I laid sprawled on my bed wearing as minimal clothing as I possible can. When the night had dawned, that familiar feeling of hope and yearning gazed my skin. Only him and I existed, emotionally... via text. I can't quite pin-point on the exact feeling but I was, for the lack of a better word, eager. Eager for him to believe me, after years of me attempting on ways to show and tell him how I truly felt.

When it comes to expressing how I truly feel, my attempts at making it a memorable occasion often fails cause' there's always a limit to everything. And right now, exceeding that limit would be simply shoving my dignity and self-respect out the door. Telling that significant someone you love them a million times may seem as a cliché but telling them once just ain't enough. I've dragged myself out of that particular rut a few months ago but somehow, I feel as though I've been dragged right back into it's realm of confusion. My hand is reaching out to him, but he doesn't seem to be meeting me halfway. I just wish to know what to do.

As faint scars were left by the emotional roller-coaster ride I had to endure, all my body and mind told me to do was lay in bed and cry myself to sleep. Being in no mood to do so, I decided to initiate a day out with The Samuels - Roy and Emma (excluding Ray). Making use of my rights as his little Sister, I bullied Roy into taking all 3 of us girls to the very familiar Alpha Angle as it was convenient. I have to say that having them in my company sure did my solemn and sad facial expressions some justice. They managed to put a smile back on my face. They even managed to make me laugh, hysterically! A few minutes of scanning through clothing stores and a few sips of our Starbucks drinks was all it took for Emma and I to open up to each other. And we've come to a conclusion, Emma and I act more as inseparable girlfriends just as Clarissa and Roy act as dudes.

A very recent series of exciting happenings have crossed my path in contrast with what I have been dealing with. Which was a nice change from all that was gloomy and emotional. After months of not being complimented with the right timing, Dad had registered my for the whole course of getting my license. To make things even more blissful, I was blessed enough to have someone I feel utterly comfortable with to accompany me; Prissy. I was so thankful to have her by my side, keeping me company throughout the whole session. Along the course of learning the rules and regulations of driving, new friendships blossomed. We gained two new friends; Nesha and Chee Chun. Both of which were so easy to get along with. It was surprising to see how well we all got along, as a sharing of hand-shakes and name-exchanging was only done a few moments ago. Surprising, yet a blessing in disguise.

I have been missing the times I would lay sprawled on the living-room sofa while a good movie would be popped into the DVD player, and I'd be in between a whole box of tissue paper and something tasty to nibble on. Since my siblings and I had the whole house to ourselves on Friday night, we decided to stay-in for a movie marathon instead of initiate other plans. Of all the movies I have missed in the few months of my hectic lifestyle, I choose to watch what I've been wanting to watch for quite some time now - Dear John, The Lovely Bones and Josie & The Pussycats. Heart-wrenching or filled with hysterical laughter, each movie managed to leave me with visible goosebumps on my tanned skin, tear-filled eyes and life lessons.

Alas, even though having hope didn't seem to do me much justice, a good week filled with the warmest of friendships and the rarest of events made the days I had to endure plights and dilemmas seem so much more like just a speck of dust.


I'm feeling better and stronger now, more than ever.