He said to all of us (my siblings, included) that if anything were to come up now - as in opportunities or things that we've never did before - I'd be the first one to willingly do it. Not recklessly, but daringly. As for my sister would be the hesitant one, who'd be contemplating, re-thinking her decision over and over again and making comments even before doing it. And my brother would dive right into it recklessly and do it just for the sake of doing it.
I took some time to myself, to try to comprehend every word Dad spoke. The words hit like mighty thunderstorms during a heavy downpour, which brought realization into clarity after the storms passed. It's just that I never really thought of myself as the daring type, you know. If you sum up my personality, being Daring isn't apart of the lot.
When it comes to opportunities and new things, I'd sure be the first person to say "C'mon, let's give this a shot" (depending on the situation) but then after a while, something kinda holds me back. Worry and cowardliness start to creep into my mind. And I begin to to think twice. Then it comes down to my decision; to go ahead with it and enjoy the aftermath of doing something mind-blowing or to miss out on this opportunity and spend the rest of my life regretting. Like I said, it depends.
My decisions aren't routined and neither are they predictable. Even more so during these past few months of self-discovery. Something I'd once loved doing back when I was at the naive and awkward age of 12, is something belonging to the past now. It was not out of weariness when I began to push that love of mine aside, but out of my perception of change. And also because something better took the place of it.
What I'm saying is, I prefer to stay as unpredictable as possible. The tendency to accept people into my life may be inadvertent but when it comes to gaining my trust, be prepared to face my guarded heart. Cause' it ain't that easy.
The friends I truly trust with my whole heart claim to know all there is to know about me. They claim to know what I'm going to say even before having said it or what I'm going to do next or even knowing what I'm thinking. Truth is, they have no idea. This may seem pretty cheesy but screw it, it's the least of my concerns now.
And besides not having any clue, it also is pretty blood-boiling.
I realized that when people are around me, they feel the constant need to impress me and to be the complete opposite of the person they truly are. And I wonder WHY! Why do something that is out of your element just to make me like you more? Be yourself, for crying out loud. I have too many pretenders and award-winning actors in my life who play their role exceptionally well but the saddening part is that whatever they say or do, would mean nothing but lies of idiocy.
So, stop it. Stop being a know-it-all. Stop insisting you know the person I am. And stop judging a book by it's cover but by it's content. Just be there for me, just be right there. Everything else will come naturally.
... And I'm ending this with a fire burning in my heart, still in search of the person I truly am.
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