Finally letting go

Is this the way it is suppose to feel? Is this how the story ends - I'm without you and you without me? Questions as such have been beaming in the back of my mind, awaiting to be matched with the right - and exceptional - answers. But I can't seem to find the right words to say.

I'm constantly reminded that if something is worth having, it sure is worth fighting for. Which only leads me to more complicated and impossible-to-answer questions. I can't help but wonder if I really gave it my all, if I really fought for someone I love and if this is the someone I truly wanted.

 

I'm sure of one thing though, I gave him a part of me no one else has ever come close to having. I gave him the most sincere and precious organ in my body; my heart. Although, it was given away a long time ago to the same person only to have him rip it apart and shred it into pieces. But still, I didn't take it back. I couldn't if I wanted to, anyways. He kept my heart as a prisoner, jailed in the deepest and darkest pit of prison. My heart was chained completely, incapable of beating for another nor having to feel the slightest semblance of freedom. My heart was trapped and utterly helpless. But of course it kept beating. Beating for the person who kept it a prisoner in the first place, Him. No matter how cruel or heartless he was, it still kept beating for only him. Every thud of my heartbeat growing louder and stronger by each passing day... by each insensible and heart-aching gesture.

Last I checked, it still does but only not as it once so strongly did. It beats a more calmer and continuous thump - not the kind of thump a horse hoof makes on a dirt road, anymore. Simply because recently, my eyes opened toward a path that has been thickly hazed by tormenting lies and insincere apologies. A path to a life without him - a path I never hoped to stumble upon, until a few days ago.

I began to put my life in perspective - my future, mainly - which started the same few days my heart stopped beating fast and slow for him. I began to see a whole different world without him by my side, sharing it with me. I saw a life without having to worry whom he was spending his hours with or what he has been up to - which girl he's making a move on. I saw a life without having any trust issues. I didn't have to question his wild, irresponsible behavior, his sincerity. I didn't have to lie in bed at night, replaying in my mind his every sentence, wondering if he was telling me the truth. I saw success in the palm of my hands. My dream ambition became my reality. It became my reality when I'd made my career my main priority instead of spending my hours with him. Most importantly, I saw mutual love. Not the love you give just to expect something in return but the kind that comes sincerely and naturally from a pure heart.

A life I never thought I'd even have dreams about but truth is, I, teeny-weeny bit liked what I saw. Heck, I loved it.

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is the best thing to do. So, I'm letting go.

I'm letting go of hoping for that change in you because after so long of hoping and praying, nothing ever seemed to be accomplished. Maybe someday that change I'd hoped to see in you would be visible, just maybe. But I'm not setting my hopes so high once again to see it happen. I'm letting go of all the promises that were made even though they have yet to be fulfilled. Promises that I have held on to for four years now, the promises a little part of me wishes you still kept and the promises I know have been nothing but mere promises from the very beginning. I'm letting go even though I've waited all this while in hope you would someday come around and realize your love for me, even though you are the only guy I dreamt of spending forever with, even though I may always love the jackass you are and even though I may regret this very day till' the day I cross over to the other side... I'm letting go of you.

I finally gained the courage to let go and move forward after pondering upon the little knowledge I have of love. I realized that I can keep fighting for the one I love for the rest of my life but if he does not do his part in meeting me halfway and fighting to give US a chance, what else is there to fight for?

I'm not curled up in a corner, crying my eyes out because I have peace within me that I did my part. I've always been there. Maybe not always when you are under the weather, on your birthday or on special occasions but always a call or a text away. Always. But what agitates me the most is that you don't take the initiative to want to know how my day has been or how I've been doing. You don't prioritize me but instead set me at the foot of your priority list. I'm not the little girl I used to be - the girl you first came to know. I've grown up. My emotions are more erratic, my heart burns with a brighter flame and my perspective on things are more rational and reasonable. I can finally speak up to you - something that has been a problem before. But even though you know of my change all too well, nothing changed with you. I deserve so much better than this and you know it.

All that was needed for me to prove has been proven. If not, what else? I get it, we are only human. We make mistakes and have flaws. And along that lane of being in love, we grew apart. The space that grew between us is not gong to be blamed on either of us because we played our part. We might not have taken up the best roles but we tried our best - at least I did - in keeping that spark of attraction between us. Regardless, it managed to slowly cease into oblivion.

Tonight, I'm not going to ponder upon the 'what-could've-been's' and the 'what-if's' too because I'm afraid I'm still vulnerable and it will only make it harder to walk away. I'm going to shove every memory I have of you in the deepest pit of my heart so I don't fall apart. I'm praying I won't miss you so that my heart doesn't yearn for your presence. I'm doing it all and walking solo on this crazy journey that is my life.

Not because I don't love you anymore or don't miss you every now and then but because it's the best decision to make in such a predicament. It's the only way you can't hurt me anymore. And it's the only way I can see what it is I have been so blinded to see before...

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

- Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone, W. H. Auden.