these shaky grounds

For the first time in a long while, I sat in the corner of my room with a notebook on my lap and a pen in the grip of my fingers. It wasn't such a perfect day as I was still recovering from an aching heart and my eyes were still puffy from all the tears that were cried out a day or two ago. Nothing felt or even seemed perfect as I was enduring or at least, trying to stitch my heart up yet again. But from this imperfect day, inspiration flowed and my creative juices kept bubbling. And I wrote a song.

Soon to be a song once it has been given a melody, that is.

I suppose I now can relate to what Kelly Clarkson said during an interview. "Break-up songs and songs about broken hearts make great chart toppers", she claims as her songs usually hit the billboard charts instantaneously when it's about all things, break-up. Broken hearts also result in lessons learnt and new wide-open doors. To me, I concur that they do lead to lessons learnt and open doors, but they will only be lessons learnt as I weakly allow them to be. In simple words, I know that it's bad for me but i'll do it anyways. 

 

Things between that certain someone and myself have been pretty shaky as of late. I suppose that is no surprise to the small bunch of people whom have warned and advised me to follow my head instead of my heart as my heart kept saying, "Just do it" but my head... "You'll get let down, yet again". Being slightly foolish and unaware of obvious occurrences, I deserved the night I cried my heart out. At first, I was hesitant as to whether it was something I needed to know or can just ignore and allow it to cease into oblivion. I was torn between my feelings and the raw truth.

I was on the phone with one of my best friends that night. She, being my very own spy, she informed me about his inquisitive yet unexceptable gesture At first, I didn't think much of it as was just a mere gesture mostly everybody does when they find a liking towards a certain picture. I didn't even bother, actually. But when her tone became slightly serious and there was no chuckle after every word she spoke, I knew something wasn't right.

He tested my level of trust in him by making a poor yet pretty desperate attempt at complementing a girl and hoping than they were more than just friends. The complementing, I don't give to shits about but the 'hoping for more' made my stomach lurch. All that lurching and cringing and unbelieving resulted in a pool of tears before me. Truth be told, I have never cried this much. Ever. Too much till' I cried myself to sleep. I can only imagine what was going on in Prissy's mind as she has never heard me cry before - not this way, at least.

Being the rock in our circle of friends, she's one tough cookie. And I know for a fact that when she heard me weep from the other line, she didn't know what to do except try her very best to calm me down by, "Breathe babe, he ain't worth it" and "You deserve so much more than a jackass like him" - words of wisdom from a rock solid sister, I'd say. As much and as long as she tried, nothing changed. My heart still longed for closure and a shoulder to cry on (for the very least) but... nothing. I was alone in my room while the rest of my family sprawled on the couches in the living room, watching some daily drama. Even my sister wasn't there to comfort me. As there was nothing left for Prissy to do, she suggested I take a few minutes to calm down and just take a breather. Once I'm all calmed, she'd promised to call me back.

The time that was supposed to be used to calm myself down was wasted on more inevitable tearing. They just kept flowing. Each time I thought of stopping and snapping myself out of this crappy feeling, the tears became heavier and rolled down my cheeks like big, fat rocks. When my sister walked into my room, her jaw was wide-open as she, too, has never seen me that way before. I know that she cared enough to kill the person responsible, although she and I have a strange way of expressing our love towards each other. I knew she cared - she posted a warning on her MySpace status - and hated seeing anyone at such a state I was in.

Everyone cared and their concern was beyond expectation but I'd expected more from him than just a picture message with a little note, saying "I'm Sorry". I'd expected him to not have given up so easily. I'd expected him to fight and do right by me. I'd expected him to call and make sure I was all better before he hung up. I'd expected more, at least. But all he did was that and once I admitted to not being in the mood for his heartless antics, he didn't reply. That's all. Although the following day, he did try again. But that, too, wasn't satisfying.

You should know that I don't get jealous too easily. I'm the more composed and understandable type and once I do get jealous or once my blood boils, you will realize that it isn't such a petty thing for me to just ignore and look past. I don't mind him having girls as his friends, you know. Not at all. After all, we do live in a world where our daily paths are crossed by the opposite genders. It'll also be ridiculous to suggest he stays away from girls too. But what I do give a shit about is the the fact that when he says they are just friends, they should be just friends - nothing more. To me, as long as he knows his limits with everyone else, I trust him enough. And that's all I want him to do, know his limits! 

It shouldn't be too much to ask for, should it?

After that day, my heart built up those four murky walls around it once again. My trust in him has slightly minimized. And when it comes to love, I realized that no guy will ever love me as much as my Dad does...