i'm thankful, more than ever

I've been meaning to post up an entry related to my unwitting Christmas mood from the remnants of whatever thoughts that were supposed to be posted up while they were still fresh and clear in my mind. But due to the lack of time - hours in a day - this post had to be resumed for awhile.

The closer Christmas Day gets by each and every passing day, I'll usually feel instinctively merry and overjoyed. In hope to unwrap the biggest and heaviest gifts that have been laid under the Christmas tree, get a kiss under the mistletoe or even look forward to a ritual Christmas Dinner, hosted by my Grandma. This were the things I'd look forward to and felt as Christmas Day drew closer.

This year though, I'd be lying to myself - and to everyone who reads this - if I say I'm ecstatic, bursting with excitement or whatever synonyms that describes the feeling one is suppose to feel on festivities. I'm not claiming to be a kill-joy for there is definitely a slight glimpse of excitement buried beneath all this negativity.

I just haven't come to a conclusion to explain this whirlwind of emotions I've been feeling, and the truth is I'm not even bothered to find out. I just know that my heart isn't as complete as it used to be, like a piece of a puzzle is missing.

I'm not exactly in an extremely emotional state, but I'm emotional enough. Reading a post from Crystal's blog made me realize just how thankful I should be. I should be thankful for the roof over my head, the room I call my territory, the comfortable bed I lay on, the opportunity to go overseas on holidays, the meals that are cooked for me, the things I have and whatnot. I am thankful - or at least for a brief amount of time - but somehow, being human, as thankful as I am, it will never be enough. I'll still be hankering for more, wanting the best, and knowing only too well that at the end of the day, I'd still be unsatisfied.

This Christmas, though it may not be much of a success, I'm gonna be thankful. I'm gonna kick aside all that negativity stirring up within me and be thankful that I'll be celebrating Christmas with my family and loved ones - and hope for a better year ahead.

I just know there's gotta be so much more that has yet to be experienced or seen with my own eyes.