can't have it both ways


Being in search of the true profound meaning of love, I've been one who'd set her heart so far out into the ocean to test the waters of love. I'd use to consider every good looking male that came along and swept me off my feet, as potential lovers. I'm known to being the dare-devil when it comes to love. Simply because I'd dive right in to a relationship with nothing but adoration for his physique/appearance and once that feeling I thought was love is diminished, I'd hop into another relationship - which always, in the end, is a train wreck.

I used to wait for you. Days would go by before I got a text or a hello, but I was so elated to finally hear from you that I ignored all the signs. I used to lay in bed all night, tossing and turning, in hope I'd get a good night's sleep, but instead I ended up worrying. Worrying of whether I'd ever get to see you again, whether our love was mutual, whom you were with, what you might be doing and whatnot. I'd thought of you too much that every conversation I had with my girlfriends, you were all I could go on and on about.

I was so caught up in that little fantasy of us that I forgot what I deserve. I forgot that I actually need someone who's going to uplift my spirits when all else comes crashing down. Adore me even when I'm a complete mess. Worship me despite my flaws and love me completely with no if's, but's and maybe's, just as I do them.

I realize now that I'll never get the sweet notes you'd use to place under my desk or that hug when the night was all chilly and unbearable or the awkward hand holding when you felt you needed my hand to feel close to me- connected. I'll never be able to hold you again, to kiss you and run my fingers along your collar bone/hair. I'll never be able to rest my head on your chest, hear your heart beat fast and slow at the same time and know i was the only one responsible for it. I wouldn't be able to share rides in your car, up that beautiful hill, and cuddle up under a starry sky. Or even sit on that one bench at the field, for it was where we'd spent our night, once upon a blue moon.

As much as I still miss those moments, I'd probably never re-live it again. For they're just mere memories of what I'd use to love, memories which I'd carry on forever, memories which were also lessons learned. And also because I choose to stick to my current status: Single. Simply because...

Summer: I like being on my own. Relationships are messy and people's feelings get hurt. Who needs it? We’re young, we live in one of the most beautiful cities in the world. We might as well have fun while we can and save the serious stuff for later.

What else is there that needs to be said when Summer sum's it all up.

On the other hand, i wonder. I wonder what it would be like to be in a relationship. To say the words, "I love you" and truly mean it. To receive flowers at my doorstep, with a cute little note saying, "I miss you" and then I catch my breath, run to my room and re-read that little note and smell those pretty flowers over and over again. To spend the whole day with that special someone without the feeling of boredom/ditching him to hang out with my girlfriends crossing your mind. To stay awake all night with that someone on the other line, making me laugh and having serious conversations. To be myself around him even when butterflies keep fluttering inside, just by standing next to him. I wonder what it would be like to mean the world to someone and have them love me in return, to have someone there as my pillar of strength to lean on. To tell me that I'm beautiful when it's one of the worst days I'm having - my hair's a mess, make-up's smudging and outfit's crumpled. Because no matter how much we girls/ladies try to deny it all, these are apart of the many other things we like having to live through...

... and so I'm holding on to the love that once sparked between us. Not wishing nor hoping. Just living by each second of the day, to see where that would lead us, whether by any chance we were meant to be.