Swallowing my pride

There's a visibly huge gap which has been drawn in between the Internet world and myself, leaving me with never really much time to make a getaway to my little nook in the blogshere (which I often visit on a daily basis to at least draft my thoughts, if not write it out), let alone watch YouTube videos.

However, the other day, after Prissy posted this video on my Timeline (which took me a few days before I got to watching it) I managed to make time in my non-existent busy schedule to watch it and deny as I tried, I was caught up in the reality this video portrays about couples or to be more exact, two people who are in a relationship.

I never really gave much thought to the whole fight-and-make-up cycle couples go through but I know first-hand that what was going on with the couple in the video above, isn't far off from what I go through with my own unicorn. (Although, I wouldn't describe him as a unicorn because that's just weird. He is more along the lines of my Batman, or any kind of superhero who saves people from danger and no matter how many times he warns or advises to 'Be Careful' or 'Take Care', he'd still be there without a doubt.)

Him and I, we're pretty compatible. He respects my space and freedom and allows me to do whatever I want, as long as I keep the promises I've made to him regarding our relationship. He encourages me and doesn't stop me from doing the things I love to do. And even though we are miles and miles apart, there's always that 3 hours in a day I look forward to hearing his voice and to tell him every little detail of my day.

But like most couples, the times for arguments and quarrels not only existed, but prolonged as the months went by. Those times, they still do exist although not as frequent as before. Sometimes even the most littlest and stupidest things which, after moments later, would have been forgotten entirely. Come to think of it, most of the time, it's me who is to be blamed. I'd swallow my pride and admit it cause' it's the truth. More often than not, he's the one who takes up the role of the forgiver while I be the bad guy, breaking promises and his heart with the things that I mindlessly do. Thick invisible layers of hurt and anger filled the air and it was during those times when our relationship became exactly the way Josh described his relationship with Marissa:

 "We became one of those relationships where it wasn't bad, but it wasn't great. And let me tell you, that's never a good way to describe a relationship."

Things won't be turned-around immediately but there's a slight feeling of hope when by the end of the day, we put aside our different point of views, swallow our pride and apologize. Sometimes, due to human nature, we tend to take things for granted and look past the things that are important, the things that have been right in front of us all along. It's the decision we make from then on which allows us to realize how much we would rather apologize than risk the relationship with the person we love. All I know is that when it comes down to the sticky messes in our relationship, I wouldn't mind apologizing time and time again, even if it wasn't my fault (after putting up a fight, occasionally! Tee hee ), because he is worth it. He really is, and I'd rather say 'Sorry' than lose him.

And if someday the arguments and quarrels and fights gets too much for us to handle on our plates and drive us to god forbid, Stage 6: Downhill or Stage 7: Breaking up , I'd remember the time when him and I crossed paths and I'd always be thankful for that period of time. And I hope that wherever he is, he would be thankful too.

The truth hurts, but the lies are worst

This time, I'm not going to pour my heart out and apologize like I did time and time before because I realized that no matter how many times I do, "sorry" doesn't mean anything when I can't even guarantee my constant presence here; I'm not going to make resolutions that involve my being an avid blogger once again because God only knows if it's just going to be one of those things I say but never ever fulfill. And to complete this "I'm not..." string, I'm not going to turn my absence into a huge issue when it doesn't have to be. So let's move on.

I know I'm stating the obvious but it has been a long time since I've felt the need to blog. In this period of  "a long time", not so much as a spark of inspiration has lit the light bulb of my mind; not so much as a heart-thumping urge to run my fingers across the keyboard to voice my thoughts has crossed my conscience; and not so much as that unnerving feeling to speak my mind and speak it now has been felt. It isn't like before when that feeling to blog would come naturally, when I'd know from start to end of what I wanted to say. Sure, blogging would cross my mind every now and then but then that thought would fade away just as easily. 

Sigh, and I've lost all the patience to sum up the reasons as to why it has come to this. I just don't know anymore. 

Apart from the aforementioned, something happened which made me realize the importance of Trust, Honesty and Promises. 

Just recently, not too long ago, I lied. It wasn't a big deal deal to me because as much as I would hate to admit it, I lie all the time. My parents were and still are the primary victims; when they expect the truth from me, all they get is one lie after another. Then there are those people whom have walked into my life, innocent as ever, expectant of the truth when they ask of my opinion, when it is my point of view they seek or when I happen to be the only one they can depend on for the truth... but likewise, lies is what I feed them. 

I was once told after getting caught red-handed for lying that, "with every lie you tell, the truth would always prevail in the end because after you tell a lie, there would always be a constant need to cover up one lie after another... which doesn't always turn out to be such a success." I'm paraphrasing here as I don't remember exactly what Dad told me, but the meaning is all the same. Sure this sank in immediately and when it did, I repented. At that time, I had to go through a phase where I had lost my Dad's trust, when people wouldn't even ask for my opinion because they thought I'd only tell them what they wanted to hear instead of what I really thought. But that phase or period of time didn't last for long before I told the next lie. 

I couldn't help myself. It had already become a habit, a habit I couldn't curb.

I lied like nobody's business, abused the trust that had been bestowed upon me and broken promises until there came a point when people would just have to take my word instead of saying, "You promise?" But this time, it was different. 

As insignificant as those lies were to me, it was significant enough for him to bother and to be hurt by them. This time, when I got caught lying, all I wanted to do was run away like I always did but instead there was that unsettling feeling that held me back, that made me realize that running away wouldn't solve anything. So I didn't. I stayed, told him the truth and nothing but the truth and explained my actions because he deserved to know - even though those lies were nothing to me. 

And he managed to make me see how wrong my actions were, when no one else, not even my parents could. He knocked some sense into my and made me realize that no matter how little a lie is, it is still a lie and the hurt it brings people ain't all that little. He made me realize that love alone isn't that strong of an anchor to hold a relationship down when lies are constantly being told - how can you say you love him/her when you keep lying? 

That night, my heart sank and it was suddenly clear to me that if I so much as had to lie to anyone, if it was so inevitable, he shouldn't have to be a victim of those lies. Not him alone, but all those I love. That night, I saw how much just a little white lie could shatter someone's whole being. And I told myself that no one should hurt that way because of a lie. 

This time, I didn't apologize because sometimes you can never be too sure if it's going to be the last time. Instead, I told him that. "We're not perfect, any of us. We make mistakes, we screw up." And this time, for the second time, he took my hand, kissed it, and we made a promise to always be honest - even if there would be a possibility to lie to the other every now and then. 

With that, he forgave me. 

P.S - Happy Eid Mubarak 11' folks! Maaf Zahir & Batin. 

Try

If i walk, would you run?
If i stop, would you come?
If i say you're the one, would you believe me?
If i ask you to stay, would you show me the way?
Tell me what to say so you don't leave me.
The world is catching up to you
While you're running away to chase your dream
It's time for us to make a move cause we are asking one another to change
And maybe i'm not ready
But I'll try for your love
I can hide up above
I will try for your love
We've been hiding enough
If i sing you a song, would you sing along?
Or wait till i'm gone, oh how we push and pull
If i give you my heart would you just play the part
Or tell me it's the start of something beautiful.
Am i catching up to you?
While your running away to chase your dreams
It's time for us to face the truth cause we are coming to each other to change
And maybe i'm not ready
But I'll try for your love
I can hide up above
I will try for your love
We've been hiding enough

After learning the lyrics to the song, he kept his promise and sang it to me - for two nights in a row. And he insisted to do so while having a sore throat. I can't begin to comprehend how speechless I was, not because he was singing to me instead of it being the other way around but because no one has ever got up the courage to sing and dedicate a song to me, especially when the song holds so much meaning in our relationship.

Some time, a few years ago, a friend asked me a very overrated question. It was the kind of question every girl, at some point in time, would have asked their girlfriend(s) or would have thought about up in their head.

Knowing the answer at the back of my head and replaying it in my mind about a million times, I didn't hesitate to answer.

Firstly, he'd have to loyal. He'd have to be honest and understanding, forgiving and truthful, loving and protective. He'd also have to be someone who masters the art of compromise. Apart from that, nothing else mattered because I also believed then that if he was the 'right' person for me, everything else would just fall into place. But obviously, my list of characteristics didn't just end there. I had a really long list - a list filled with unnecessary and stupid characteristics which made me believe that my 'perfect man' would have to be a certain way. What I realize was that in the long-run, that list began to shorten and only the important and significant characteristics became all that mattered to me.

After backing up my answer to her question with explanations and examples, I concluded saying that, "... I know it doesn't matter but I'd love a guy who can sing as well".

Now, years later, after having found that person... all I can say is that, "I've found that someone at last."