The truth hurts, but the lies are worst

This time, I'm not going to pour my heart out and apologize like I did time and time before because I realized that no matter how many times I do, "sorry" doesn't mean anything when I can't even guarantee my constant presence here; I'm not going to make resolutions that involve my being an avid blogger once again because God only knows if it's just going to be one of those things I say but never ever fulfill. And to complete this "I'm not..." string, I'm not going to turn my absence into a huge issue when it doesn't have to be. So let's move on.

I know I'm stating the obvious but it has been a long time since I've felt the need to blog. In this period of  "a long time", not so much as a spark of inspiration has lit the light bulb of my mind; not so much as a heart-thumping urge to run my fingers across the keyboard to voice my thoughts has crossed my conscience; and not so much as that unnerving feeling to speak my mind and speak it now has been felt. It isn't like before when that feeling to blog would come naturally, when I'd know from start to end of what I wanted to say. Sure, blogging would cross my mind every now and then but then that thought would fade away just as easily. 

Sigh, and I've lost all the patience to sum up the reasons as to why it has come to this. I just don't know anymore. 

Apart from the aforementioned, something happened which made me realize the importance of Trust, Honesty and Promises. 

Just recently, not too long ago, I lied. It wasn't a big deal deal to me because as much as I would hate to admit it, I lie all the time. My parents were and still are the primary victims; when they expect the truth from me, all they get is one lie after another. Then there are those people whom have walked into my life, innocent as ever, expectant of the truth when they ask of my opinion, when it is my point of view they seek or when I happen to be the only one they can depend on for the truth... but likewise, lies is what I feed them. 

I was once told after getting caught red-handed for lying that, "with every lie you tell, the truth would always prevail in the end because after you tell a lie, there would always be a constant need to cover up one lie after another... which doesn't always turn out to be such a success." I'm paraphrasing here as I don't remember exactly what Dad told me, but the meaning is all the same. Sure this sank in immediately and when it did, I repented. At that time, I had to go through a phase where I had lost my Dad's trust, when people wouldn't even ask for my opinion because they thought I'd only tell them what they wanted to hear instead of what I really thought. But that phase or period of time didn't last for long before I told the next lie. 

I couldn't help myself. It had already become a habit, a habit I couldn't curb.

I lied like nobody's business, abused the trust that had been bestowed upon me and broken promises until there came a point when people would just have to take my word instead of saying, "You promise?" But this time, it was different. 

As insignificant as those lies were to me, it was significant enough for him to bother and to be hurt by them. This time, when I got caught lying, all I wanted to do was run away like I always did but instead there was that unsettling feeling that held me back, that made me realize that running away wouldn't solve anything. So I didn't. I stayed, told him the truth and nothing but the truth and explained my actions because he deserved to know - even though those lies were nothing to me. 

And he managed to make me see how wrong my actions were, when no one else, not even my parents could. He knocked some sense into my and made me realize that no matter how little a lie is, it is still a lie and the hurt it brings people ain't all that little. He made me realize that love alone isn't that strong of an anchor to hold a relationship down when lies are constantly being told - how can you say you love him/her when you keep lying? 

That night, my heart sank and it was suddenly clear to me that if I so much as had to lie to anyone, if it was so inevitable, he shouldn't have to be a victim of those lies. Not him alone, but all those I love. That night, I saw how much just a little white lie could shatter someone's whole being. And I told myself that no one should hurt that way because of a lie. 

This time, I didn't apologize because sometimes you can never be too sure if it's going to be the last time. Instead, I told him that. "We're not perfect, any of us. We make mistakes, we screw up." And this time, for the second time, he took my hand, kissed it, and we made a promise to always be honest - even if there would be a possibility to lie to the other every now and then. 

With that, he forgave me. 

P.S - Happy Eid Mubarak 11' folks! Maaf Zahir & Batin.