in the light of your halo


Sweaty and uncomfortable I sit here, in the corner of the living room. My damp hair let loose to dry after a long and satisfying warm bath. I choose to eat light today, just to fill the void in my empty stomach, not for indulgence. The dictionary in front of me is gradually turning weary.

For these past few days, being caught in between piles of inevitable homework and strict workout sessions, I'd managed to smuggle some time in for my reading indulgence - my current read, L.A. Candy - which is when I'd stumbled upon the path of indecisiveness, yet again even though I've acknowledged this personality trait of mine for a fair amount of time now - not so much of a surprise there.

But recently, it's becoming more frequent than usual.

Choices that await my decision have been thrown at me, in hope to be chosen. But having to choose a choice is the hardest, on my part. As I'd pondered upon various possibilities to fulfill the questions swirling around in my head, a few had made more sense than the rest - rational.

Perhaps it's greed...
Always having both ways, at all times. Never coming to terms with a choice - in which only one can be chosen. It was when the Mega Sales had begun, people raiding each pile of clothing in the department stores, in search for something they'd want to purchase. As I too, was one of them, I was torn between two pricey vintage tops, both looked good on my skin but I could only choose one. Just when I was about to do so, my conscience got the best of me - saying "Why don't you get both? It's not often, that you come across two tops that look good on you". Like poison whispered in your ear. So, I did which cost me more than what I usually spend on.

Perhaps it's uncertainty...
Being afraid to choose one of the two choices because If you choose either one, the grass on the other side might seem greener. It's just like the feeling of finally having to own the hoodie you have been wanting to buy all those moths ago, but along those few months, other clothing items have captured your eyes - a velvet jumper which too are already on your list. Again, you're torn between two options... a hoodie that keeps you warm and a velvet jumper that hugs your body.

There are plenty of other good reasons for being indecisive. It seems to us that life, by nature, is confusing and full of ambiguity, that it's built-in to the game. At least if you're awake enough to be aware of it. It is worthwhile to mention that sometimes the most intelligent, clear, and perceptive individuals are those who can also be described as "indecisive."

In the real world, we're torn by conflicts and dilemmas, having to act without knowing all the factors, having to choose when all the apparent options seem imperfect.

"The really tough choices, then,
don't center upon right versus wrong. They involve right versus right.
They are genuine dilemmas precisely because each side
is firmly rooted in one of our basic, core values . . . t
he basic issue at the heart of so many ethical conflicts
(is) the clashing of core values . . ."
- Rushworth M. Kidder