feeling like I used to, all over again






Dear you,

I don't know what it is - but it's uncontrollable, irresistible and somewhat inevitable. It's overtaking me. As I lay in bed at night, in hope of a good sleep, I find myself captured in a dream of you. Having a slight fondness for someone hasn't made me react or felt this way before, truth be told. But why you? Sure, there were chivalrous gestures here and there, but it's not enough proof to liking a person. I'm sill here waiting for you - patiently but afraid at the same time. Afraid, because in the many few dreams I've dreamt about you, we were disconnected. It was as if you didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore, as if it was to painful to see me in such a helpless and desperate state, to hold my hand or to hold me close.

Tears caused puddles in my eyes, which eventually streamed down my face as I layed in bed one night with a slight feeling of fatigue. I can't remember how long it has been since I've felt my heart ache. It was as if it wasn't a dream at all, to begin with - You were standing there in front of me, saying the words I'd pray every night to not hear, my heart breaking as you spoke every word.

It hurt me even more to know I wasn't capable to change your mindset - I was helpless. Words rose within me but somehow the feeling of hurt prevailed more strongly. I'd been broken beyond despair, so to speak.

Today, I'd like to elaborate on my knowledge of the funny, witty, bold, strong and amazing word called, LOVE. I don't claim on knowing all there is to know about love, but I can probably say that I have experienced it. So, I'll just share on what I do know - my experience and believes.

L-O-V-E - a simple four letter word that drives people to exceed great dreams, keep their faith and sends others floating on cloud 9. A word that's said to make the world go round and yet it's taken for granted, abused, overlooked... A word which holds a profound meaning, understandable or not.

You said you'd never leave, never hurt me. You promised me you'll never let go of my hand, never to let in slip into the hands of someone else's grip... You assured me that I didn't have anything to worry about, because even if I did, you'd be my guardian angel - the one whom I trust will guide me in my time of indecision, the one whom I'll turn to if I ever need comforting.

I just... I miss having someone to comfort me, to turn to in my time of loneliness, someone to snuggle up to. I miss having someone to call me pretty when my hair's in a complete mess, to be my siren of assurance tat everything will be alright. I miss it all, alot actually.

As much as I'm keen on living my life the way it currently is - carefree and unprotected, I do have my lonely moments, where I'll reminisce on the good old days, with a feeling of nostalgia washing over me but... I'll never regret it. I look at my past mistakes as the roads I've taken that led me to where I am today. If I haven't had made the mistakes, I'd probably never know how to make things right.

It's funny how the complex human mind works. We always want what we can't have. And the one's that are layed in front of our eyes, we ignore and can't seem to appreciate.

And so the sayings go, "Love is a many splendid things", "If you love something or someone, you should set them free cause if it's meant to be, it will come back to you" and "Love will find a way out of any situation".... to define love. We are usually conditioned into thinking what love truly means, the perfectness of it - all by the influence of romantic movies and novels have on us.

I strongly doubt that love only means having long walks on the beach, blowing air-kisses across the room, enjoying candlelight dinners - the 'acts' of love the world wraps our minds around.
Whereas, I believe and hold deep in my heart that love exceeds so much more than it's known to be. It isn't only about the happy times spent together but also overcoming bad situations hand-in-hand. It isn't about staring into the eyes of the one you love and get drowned in them but looking into the tenderness of their soul. It isn't about spending hours and hours together but
enjoying each others company and getting to know the person for who they really are - why you loved them in the first place. It isn't about displaying their picture as a wallpaper to show them off to the world but to truly cherish and love them from the very core of you heart...

That, I believe is what true love is, and more.